The Breeze at Dawn....

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.  Don't go back to sleep.  ~ Rumi

I've never been a morning person.   I have always struggled with being coherent and my mind is muddled in a fog until at least 10am.  I have always had to drink copious amounts of coffee to jumpstart my day, and the thought of being up before the sun would literally make my stomach turn.  But long ago, I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer repeat the quote from Rumi "The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you..." and I was intrigued enough to start setting my alarm at 5:30am each day to find out what secrets the breeze had for me.   At first the breeze told me it was dark out, and I was tired.  After a while the breeze told me it was freezing out, and to huddle underneath a quilt as I sipped my hot strong coffee.  Eventually the breeze began to carry song birds, and the sky would be grey and pink instead of stark black.  And now, as I drink an herbal energy drink instead of coffee, I realized the sun beat me out of bed... and the breeze is telling me I need to start waking up earlier.

I have learned to embrace the morning... it is the one time of the day when I am able to sit in solitude and silence - the only noise around me is the song birds, and the awakening world as it comes to life.  I write my morning pages - reflections of who I am, and who I want to be, and instead of a fog in my head, my mind brightens and comes alive.   Sleeping in is simply no longer an option for me, my internal alarm clock snaps me up out of slumber as the morning breeze whispers "Cilly, wake up.... you don't want to miss this..."  I stumble out of bed, rubbing my eyes, and still in half slumber... and greet the new day.  The birds are all a chatter like nosy neighbors - chirping amongst themselves like little biddies reporting on every move their neighbors make.  The squirrels hurry to and fro to gather their wares for the day - and get side tracked by a game or two of chase, and the bees have been working for hours making me feel quite lazy as they drone flower to flower with the work ethic that I can only envy as I stand in my pajamas and watch them toil.

Nature is already hard at work, and I haven't even had breakfast yet.  While what Lao Tzu said
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." may be true .... I know now, that it's only because nature wakes up pretty darn early. Perhaps that is the secret the breeze at dawn wanted to tell me ...

Paradise is here, Paradise is now, Paradise is the breeze at dawn.

Help! I'm Drowning - Please come drown with me!!!

photo credit: thewatchers.adorraeli.com -

Jump in! The water is icy, cold, turbulent and we will surely die!! Come on! Why don't you jump into this whirlpool with me!?!?  Come drown with me!

Seriously? Is that what I expect from him when I present him with my latest nerve wracking worry that has me frothed up into a frenzy?  Apparently, that's exactly what I expected, because everyone else in my life has previously reacted that way.  Oh, Cilly's upset -I think I'll join her.  But not MyHoney.  Thankfully, not MyHoney.  In the past, when I was worried or anxious, my partner would get worried and anxious with me.  At the time, it made me feel better - I felt like he was in this with me, and someone had my back. We would get so whipped up in a frenzy that we would come up with solutions to problems we didn't even have.  But, it gave me something to do - albeit, very non-productive and energy wasting.  So, when I shared with MyHoney my fears and anxieties, and he stood there stoic and calm - I was puzzled.  MyHoney wasn't jumping into my frantic whirlpool of nervous energy and anxiety with me -I felt abandoned.  Why doesn't he join me?  Why isn't he upset?   He continued to reassure me by saying everything was going to be ok, and not to worry.  He threw me the life-saver of the voice of reason and asked me to stay calm.  I hesitantly adapted to his calm nature.  We floated a while.  It was nice.  He reasoned with me... and I stopped kicking and thrashing.  Everything is going to be ok.  We are ok.  It dawned on me... MyHoney is a lifegaurd.

photo credit: fineartamerica.com

It has taken me five years to understand the role of a lifegaurd.  A lifegaurd may have to jump in the pool to save you from drowning, but they will never let you drag them to the bottom with you.  They keep calm, they grab you and hold you up and keep your head above water.  The most important thing is they stay calm, so you will be calm, stop thrashing about, and stop panicking.  They do not panic with you, they do not feed your fear.  They tell you everything is going to be ok - and it will be - once you stop panicking and start floating.  They have you conserve your energy so you can master the real waves that crash on you.... they keep you steady and with strength and endurance pull you to the safety of the shore.  Had MyHoney jumped in and panicked with me, we surely would have drowned in a sea of fear and anxiety.

So, for now we are floating, I am still a little nervous, but clutching on to the strength of my lifegaurd... we are waiting for the next wave to crash, and then we will steadily swim together to shore.  I am safe.  This morning I am in reflection on how I can become a better lifegaurd for MyHoney.   There will be times he is in rough water... and my intent on bringing him safely to shore is surely not to jump in with the intent for both of us to drown. 

 
Paradise is here, Paradise is now, Paradise is a lifeguard...

Under Pressure...

Paradise Found at Whisperwood Cabins, Belgrade ME
http://www.whisperwoodlodge.com/cabins.htm

I honestly didn't care that it was pouring rain outside.  I was sitting in a cabin, on a lake.  I needed this  - to the core of my soul and the depth of my bones - I needed to sit beside a lake today - to write, to read, to ponder.  I needed this break as badly as the dry earth needed this cool spring rain, and I was going to soak up every drop of rejuvenation and drink it in.

MyHoney was DJ'ing a prom in Belgrade Lakes, so I took the opportunity to book us a cabin.  It was off season, and the rates were reasonable - thank God, because I felt like my reason took a fast train to irrational-ville.  We have had a stretch of perfect days - baby blue skies, warm sun with a cool breeze - I've never seen such a dry April and beginning of May.... so when we drove further north and it started pouring, it really didn't surprise me.  Both the Earth and I are going to get our thirst quenched this weekend... 

We pulled into Whisperwood and I fell in love.  Quaint, simple little cabins lined a pristine pond, and tall pine trees nestled around it all.  The rain let up long enough for MyHoney and I to walk down to the waters edge, sit in the Adirondack chairs and breath in the fresh Maine air.  Paradise Found.

Our stay was a short one -we arrived after noontime, and MyHoney had to be at the Community Center to set up for the prom by 6pm.... so in those few hours we sat on the dock, and caught up with each other.  We both realized the whirlpool our lives have become - madly swirling and whirling - with me moving in, and now planning our wedding, not to mention both running our own businesses - it's been a lot of pressure - we've both been feeling it individually, but as we sat on the dock and shared what we have each been going through, the pressure felt lessened.  Odd... our circumstances have not changed.  Our laundry list of to-do's is still just as long, and our responsibilities have not lessened... so why the change in pressure? 

After MyHoney left to entertain the masses, and I was left alone in the cabin to listen to the rain beat on the roof, and watch the pines darken and take in a long, cool drink... I kept thinking about the relief I felt after sharing my burdens with him.... and how that happens time and time again.  As I sat and listened to the peepers chirp their rain song, I pondered about pressure.... and was whisked back to my 8th grade physics class where we learned that pressure equals force over area. 

The force in my life is all the things that are weighing me down - responsibility, stress, deadlines - FEAR.  The area is me - and when I am small, the pressure feels heavier.  I stay small by not sharing, by not growing, by not expanding. When I shared with MyHoney, the pressure changed because now he shouldered the burden with me.  He also helped me grow and expand by giving me some new ideas on how to deal with some of the problems that are cropping up for me right now.   How is it that I never equated this to physics before?  My inner geek jumped up and down in excitement realizing that I DO in fact instantly alleviate the pressure from my clients simply by listening to them allowing them space to expand and grow.  When you share, grow, and expand - physically and emotionally (because our energy IS matter) your surface gets bigger - when your surface is bigger the pressure (all the crap that is weighing you down) lessens - even though the burden remains the same.  In other words, you can handle more... naturally.  Man, physics is awesome!!!

photo credit: http://hyperphysics.phy-astr.gsu.edu/hbase/press.html

At midnight, the prom was over, and I drove down to the community center to help MyHoney load up his gear, and we returned to the cabin to listen to the rain pelt the roof, eat sandwiches and drink a well earned beer.  I was able to inhale deeply and noticed my chest felt more expansive and was able to take in a deeper breath.  I felt lighter.  My mood shifted. All I need to alleviate the pressure in my life is to expand.  Expand my horizons... expand my circle ... expand my mind - alleviate the pressure.

Paradise is here, Paradise is now ... Paradise is Under Pressure...

Two Souls Reunited - Romping in Paradise ...

Paradise is a loyal companion

I started to write this on the eve of Tuesday, April 30th... finally able to  finish and post today after many tears... We unlatched his leash and let him run eternally free... our sweet, sweet Derby. 

My sweet spotted boy.... I only met you five years ago, and it seems so unfair I had to say goodbye to you today .  You were the best friend to whom would become my best friend  - you were his friend first.  I can't thank you enough for being such a loyal companion.  When we met, you were unsure of sharing him with me, but you did - you realized there was enough room on the couch, and enough room in his heart for everyone - even my crazy white dog. 

Derby, I only hope I can begin to take over where you left off...  I will be by his side, I will take long

Paradise is having adventures

walks with him... I will comfort him, and I will make him smile.  Derby, you taught me what true friendship looks like.  You and MyHoney had a bond like nothing I have ever seen.  He trusted you (sometimes I believed too much)... but you trusted him too.... and together, it worked.   In unspoken harmony.... you bonded - soul-brothers, kin.  I can only reflect the memory of you - I will never be able to radiate in the same light.  You, brother, are irreplaceable.

Photo Credit: Mt Washington Observatory
Paradise is Two Souls Reuniting...

I read this evening that the observers on top of Mount Washington reported the bright lights of the Aurora Borealis ... my vision was of two souls reuniting - you and Destiny, running amongst the stars, dancing, play-bowing, romping - finally together once again - kindred spirits. Running through Paradise....

Paradise is Brotherly Love

Lexi looks for you Brother... she misses you every day.  She looks for you in your bed, in the yard, in all your usual places.  As fun-loving, easy going and carefree as you were - you were her alpha.  Please continue to be her guide Derbs... visit her in her dreams... run with her as she sleeps.  She loves your gentle heart - you took her into your pack, despite her absolute delight in squeeky toys and driving you crazy... you loved her, and she could tell.  You will always be her brother.  When the sorrowful day comes when we have to unlatch her leash for the last time - please run to her - run as fast as you can - it will make her crossing easier for me, knowing you will be there with your tail wagging waiting to welcome her home.

Derby, you were such a good boy.  Run free sweet spotted boy.... say hi to my girl.  I will take good care of your boy.... I promise.  I promise.



Paradise is here.... Paradise is now.... Paradise is running free with Destiny....

Rest in Paradise Derby ... April 1st, 2003 - April 30th, 2013

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.” ~ Winnie the Pooh

Destiny and Derby - Together Again...