Paradise is Sharing...

Thursday, April 18, 2013

On the Verge...

Paradise is being on the Verge...
photo credit: 123RF Stock Photos
Sitting in my car in the parking lot of the local Dairy Queen, I dug my long red spoon to the bottom of my Heath Bar Blizzard and scraped the bottom of the cup.  600 calories later, I felt no less crazed.  Now I felt vexed for even being so frustrated that a detour to the ice cream shop seemed necessary. 

As I drove home, I realized now I've added tummy ache to my tension headache - not a great combination for when I need to be creative - especially to be creative on a deadline.  I need to put together that presentation for tomorrow - but brilliance is escaping me, and I am beyond frustrated.

Once home I dutifully sat down in my "writers chair" and pulled out my laptop.  Better try to give this a go... and after two hours of painful tugging of thoughts and ideas, I had a rough presentation pulled together.... not one that I was the least bit excited or proud about.  MyHoney walked by, saw my furrowed brow, and knew to stay clear.  He was almost through the room when I sighed loudly.  "Um... anything I can help with?".... an innocent, sweet and gentle question, that recieved every dagger in my arsenal.  "NOT UNLESS YOU CAN HELP ME PULL MY CREATIVITY OUT OF MY @$$!"  My poor Honey.... caught in the crossfire of the crazy war that wages between my outrageous expectations and my modest abilities - again.

I returned my eyes to my laptop, but the screen was black, my laptop blinked off and went through an "auto update." When the laptop came back on, I frantically searched for my work - but it was gone.  I felt my mind go blank and snap off much the same way my laptop did, I had a complete and total meltdown.  I took the technological fail as a sign from the Universe that my message was junk, that I was a fraud, that I didn't know what the hell I was talking about, and the Universe was doing everything in it's power to block my message from getting out to the world. In my collapsing view on reality, I thought I needed to throw in the towel, and just go hide in a cave and live my life as a recluse much in the way of Salinger, Manet, and Garbo.  Good lord. The drama I create.

Through tears I exclaimed "I just wish I knew what my message is supposed to be - Why can't I get this?!?!"  MyHoney just sat next to me with his hand on my shoulder while I fumed. 

Paradise is letting the storm pass...
Copyright (c)

Frustrated, I put down my laptop, and went to bed.  I did put together a presentation the next day, but again, not my best work.  Luckily, even "not my best work" is pretty good... but I was still frustrated that it didn't click or resonate with me.   

Walking along the ocean side, holding hands with MyHoney, it was the first calming moment I felt in days.  We talked about home improvement things, about what our summers were shaping up to be, and even about wedding plans.   It was all shaping up nicely.  Suddenly, like a lightening bolt, the information I had been begging for, straining and racking my brain for Divinely downloaded There it was  - the Answer.  It clicked on like a switch. At first, I questioned it - could it really be that simple?  Furthermore, the answer  (and I knew it was the answer because of the feeling in my gut I had) was something I had previously been resisting.  I was resisting the answer all along, and it was only when I surrendered that it all became so clear.  The message flowed.  I got it.  I knew what my message was... and when I got home I nearly ran through the door to my lap top to capture it all. 

Tapping fervently on the keyboard ... my face glowed from the light of the PC - the room had grown dark without my noticing that the sun had gone down.  MyHoney walked through the room and snapped on a light.  Barely noticing, my fingers flew.  This is a masterpiece!  MyHoney cleared his throat and tried again "How's it going?" ..... and clicking save - I invited him over to read what I wrote.  "Brilliant!" he exclaimed as he read the last word.  I had tears in my eyes... it felt so good to have a breakthrough.  I can't believe the tension, frustration and resistance I felt just a day before.  It was then I realized - "When you are feeling the most frustrated, get excited - you are on the verge of a breakthrough!"

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now ... Paradise is being on the Verge...

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