Paradise is Sharing...

Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Promise to the Queen of Ten Ass City....

Portland Veterinary Specialists
Thank you to the amazing staff at Portland Veterinary Specialists
January 16th, 2009 at 11:05am ... I sat on a cold tile floor, stroking the soft downy fur of my best friend, my soul mate, my White Shadow... I talked to her through choked back tears and sang her songs, silly ones with made up words... ones when she was a vivacious playful pup would send her into fits of joy and tail chasing. That day, my tears splashed like rain down on her face, and she looked at me with the trust and love that only very blessed people on this earth get to have - the unending adoration of a loyal dog.  Even as she laid there with an IV in her leg, no longer able to move because of the sedatives and pain killers the clinic mercifully injected her with... her eyes flickered with concern for me.  "I'll be alright Momma"... I knew if she was able to.. she would have flopped her tail up and down... wag-wag. reassure me. She was always reassuring me ... that is what she did. 

Dr. Noble, sitting on the floor with us, asked me if I was ready.  No. I'll never be ready... But looking down at my sweet girl... seeing her eyes dull, her smile gone, her tail motionless.... She was already gone.  I had to let her go - I was her best friend after all - I had to unlatch her leash one last time, and let her run free.  I nodded to Dr. Noble, and she gently rolled back the release on the drip line, and pushed a clear fluid through the IV.   I said good bye to my Destiny... She never broke her loving gaze at me as she slipped away... my hand felt the last rise and fall of her chest... my eyes were the last eyes she looked into - my words were the last ones she heard... and I made her a promise... Our adventures would live on.  I promise.

After a long time... Dr. Noble and MyHoney helped me up... and I left Destiny resting in eternal slumber, on the soft dog bed on the clinics floor. No more needles. No more medicine.  No more IV's. No more pain.  I walked out of the clinic with her empty collar in my hand.  No white shadow.  No "load up little Pup!" as we approached my truck.  No singing along to the radio inserting her name in the songs and glancing in the rear view to see her smiling in amusement of hearing her name.  Just... nothing.  My Destiny was gone.  She wasn't there to reassure me any more. 

Two weeks later, we returned to the clinic to pick up Destiny.  Julie, a caring girl with soft hands and a gentle touch, who Destiny just adored stepped out of the reception area, and guided me to the private wait room. The girl who had once upon a time admitted Destiny into care, fed her treats, and hugged her fiercely on her last visit, gently handed me a little green gift bag. Her eyes were red rimmed and full of tears.  Inside was a small wooden box and a terra cotta paw print - Destiny's paw print, and a sympathy card signed by Dr. Noble, Julie, and the rest of the staff from the clinic who had administered Destiny's care for the last nine months of her life.   MyHoney wrapped his arm around my shoulder and assisted me back to my truck, where Destiny rode for the first time, in my lap, in the front seat.  I couldn't speak.  All I could think of was.. my 60 pound (who had wasted away to 30 pounds) dog was in this teeny tiny box?  My beautiful, spirited, adventurous dog doesn't belong in such a tiny box. She, after all, was the Queen of Ten Ass City.  Her life was so much larger than this teeny, tiny, little pine box.  But there she was... just the same.

Silently, on the way home, I replayed my last words to her - "Our Adventures will live on..." and decided she will return to the mountains and dance amongst the lupines.  She should be where butterflies flutter and flit on the breeze and land on daisy blossoms that bend and sway.  She deserves to be where the air is so permeated with the scent of sweet pine its intoxicating.  She belongs where the loons will sing her lullabies every night. I will take you back to where we were the happiest together - I promise. I promise.

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now.....    Even if you don't realize it yet.

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