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Sunday, August 12, 2012

Waking up with GRATITUDE ...

I awoke this morning in my usual Sunday fashion - to the sound of roosters crowing outside my open windows... windows that were open despite it being foggy and misty out.  I rubbed my eyes and looked for my glasses, and realized they were not on my night stand, but instead under my pillow.  Must have fallen asleep reading my Kindle again. 

Once my glasses were on, I looked down on the floor next to my bed and Lexi noticed I was stirring.  Wag-wag... wag...wag... Good Morning Momma... Good morning.  She rose and stretched with her front paws fully extended in a satisfying downward dog, and I let my consciousness catch up with my mind that was as foggy as the weather.  I looked up above my bed to my inspire words - letters I have glued to my walls to remind myself of my intentions each morning, and to remember to be thankful for each day I have a bed, a pillow and a safe place to lay my head each night. 

On the wall directly opposite of the head of my bed - in a place I knew I would be able to see each night before I went to bed, and each morning when I arose - in 4" letters, is the word GRATITUDE.

A Daily Reminder of What Fuels My Soul

Almost five years ago I took out my hot-glue gun (with the understanding I will probably never get my security deposit back) and stuck those letters to the wall.  It was at first to comfort me.... something to look at besides the spinning ceiling fan while I cried myself to sleep each night... wondering.. "Oh God, What's going to happen to me?"

It was a way to ground myself each morning when I woke up, and face the stark reality of my situation.  The light of day slapped me awake from broken sleep and another restless night of tossing and turning.  Each morning I would wake up with the mournful feeling that yes, I am alone.  I am waking up by myself... just me and my girl.   

Wag-wag... wag-wag... Good Morning Momma.  Five years ago the fuzzy face beside my bed was of Destiny's... and I was so grateful to have her there with me.  I needed to remind myself of the reasons I had to get out of bed that day.  Hence, the hot glue gun.... hence, the reminder of all the things I have to be grateful for.... a roof over my head, a soft bed, a safe place to put my head each night, and a fuzzy alarm clock that greets me each morning.  I had the woods, the lakes, the ponds... and my girl.  I really was blessed. 

Days, Weeks, Months, and now finally years have passed ... and I guess the old adage is true - "Time heals all wounds"...   Morning after morning, I would rise - see those words, and the word GRATITUDE started to take on new meaning with each new day.  As the days went by, I found more things to be grateful for... I had my friends, I had my family.   As weeks went by, I started to find gratitude in things I formally mourned - I am grateful for my new life... I am grateful for new opportunities.  As months went by, I woke up one morning and was grateful my husband ended our marriage - I was grateful to be an independent woman. 

Over the years, I have been grateful for true love, grateful for MyHoney, grateful for the life I had with Destiny, grateful for my little clown Lexi.  Grateful for losing my job, grateful for making it by another day... grateful that bills were paid... grateful I ate that day.  Admittedly, there have been some nights I've been too exhausted to look at the words on the wall, and have stumbled into bed and was fast asleep before my head hit the pillow.  There were mornings where I really felt I had nothing left to be grateful for... my health, my love, my abundance... my luck, my Destiny - were gone. I would wake up, see the word  - looking down on me - mocking me, and I  would groan and pull the covers back over my head.  But GRATITUDE never left, it didn't change, it never faded, and it didn't apologize.  It just kept reminding me - day after day, until one day I would awake, open my eyes, and see GRATITUDE in a new light. I realized I always had at least one thing to be grateful for - even if it was just the fact my eyes opened and I was still there.   

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”  ~ Dr Suess

So this morning, half a decade later...I awoke and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, dug my glasses out from under my pillow, and felt the damp mist of the morning drift through the pines.... I focused my eyes on the word - GRATITUDE....  and I noticed my heart felt different when I asked "Oh my God... what's going to happen to me!?"   For today, that question was not asked in pain, fear and desperation..  instead, the question is asked in the same excited manner as a child asks "So what did you get me for my birthday!?"  Anticipation, wonder, and adventure....  Wag-wag.... wag-wag... let's get up Momma, and let's find out! 

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now.... Paradise is waking up with GRATITUDE.

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