Harvesting Memories...

There's a black-top road, a faded yellow centerline
It can take you back to the place, but it can't take you back in time ~ Wynonna Judd

I could drive there in my sleep.... but I point out old landmarks to MyHoney as I steer my Subaru down the road, taking the last long corner where the wooded lane opens up to rolling fields, and on the right, up on a hill... sits the farm. 

I pull slowly into the long driveway, hearing the gravel crunch under the tires, and see the barn come into view despite the heavy cloak of fog lingering over the meadows.  We pull into the door yard, and I take a deep breath as we prepare for a day with my family - at the farm.

I love my parents - I do.  But to fully understand my family dynamic, you would have had to work in the wind, rain and weather -as we all picked together, as we all picked together side by side...(Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Rutabaga! or at least that is how the "Rutabaga Song" goes... the pride song my father made up for us all to sing as we froze our fingers to the bone, pulling the stubborn root vegetables from their deeply mired places in the mud, and cut the roots and leaves off to plunk them in a row.  When you work with family, you become more than just family.  Your father becomes dependent on you.  As a child, the responsibility can be weighty and confusing.  I worked beside my father during "bumper crops" and disappointing crop failures.  I saw worry, stress, and fatigue in my fathers eyes.  I also saw immense pride, joy, and satisfaction.  I was more than just a daughter to my father - I was part of the farm.  Getting out of the car, and walking into the house, I immediately inhaled the scents of being home at the farm.

Pumpkin bread, apple pies, and carrot cake.  As we enter the kitchen, we are greeted heartily by my father and his booming welcome "WWWWEELLLLLLLLLL!!!"  As mom buzzes around the kitchen pulling hot whipped potatoes, carrots and rutabaga souffle out of the oven, Dad offers us beverages and we sit at the table ready to feast on the bounty of this years harvest.  Dad beams with pride - and even though it's obvious, he says "All the vegetables came out of Mom's garden"  Truly, It is Thanksgiving at the farm.

Gratitude feels different when it's hand-picked... 

My friends used to look at the hundred acres I called home, and exclaim "It must be so much FUN to live here!"  At the time, I wouldn't call it fun.  On hot summer days when my friends were at the local swimming hole, I was in the fields laboring stacking hay bales.  We spent days on end with the sun beating on our backs weeding the crops on our hands and knees.  During school days, as my friends participated in after school sports and activities, I had to hurry home to work in the fields and bring in the harvest.  The work was both back breaking, and at times could break your spirit. As a child and teenager tensions ran high as we tried to create our own boundaries and become our own people - people who didn't want to work on the farm, the lifeline, pride and joy of my father.  My father took our resignations personally, as a rejection of him, not of the work.  There was friction.  It was hard - I won't lie, and some of the friction and tension spilled over into our adulthood.  We were born and raised to work as a team, and that didn't always translate into loving like a family.   For many years I resented the farm.





"OK, let's say Grace."  My father folded his gigantic rough hands, and my mother, brother, MyHoney and I bowed our heads.  "Dear Jesus, Thank you for this day and this food that Jean made.  Thank you for letting us all be here together, in your name we pray Amen".... Amen we all repeat, and for the next hour we pass serving dishes around the table, chat about current events, tell old stories and laugh... like old friends.  Once the dinner dishes are cleared, my Dad coaxes my Mom to bring out the pies and cakes - once again repeating the fact the pumpkin and carrots came from the fields of the farm.

As I polished off a generous hunk of my mothers famous carrot cake, I thought about the pride of the finished product my Dad presented to us today.  As a business owner myself now, I realized the accomplishment he must feel.  He's made it - all the work, sweat, blood and tears resulted in feeding his family.  He has raised children and grandchildren.  It all came from the earth, from his hands, and more importantly - it was all made possible because he had a family who through all the wind and weather, we all picked together, we all picked together side by side.... at home, on the farm.



Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now, Paradise will turnip on the farm....

Abundance....

Yesterday, MyHoney and I took a Sunday drive.  We started at Trader Joes and stocked up on our favorite cereals, breads, meats and cheeses, then we visited my parents farm and loaded my Subaru with fresh pumpkins, squash and produce.As the sun dipped low in the sky, we drove past cow pastures and fields to  Orchard Hill Farm to get apples.  Of course, a visit to Erin and Roberts is not complete without a hot cup of cider and a home-made cider donut.

Once home, I unloaded our treasures and filled the fruit bowl.  The pears and bananas from Trader Joes arranged beautifully with the large, red, shiny Cortland Apples from the apple orchard.  I stood back and admired my good fortune.  There is nothing like a full fruit bowl on my table.  Nothing makes me feel more content, more secure...  a cornucopia of fresh fruit on my table is trully my definition of abundance.

Growing up, a full fruit bowl signified good times.  My mothers kitchen was filled with the spicy smell of pumpkin bread, banana bread, apple pies, and date cookies.  My mother has always kept a fruit bowl on the kitchen counter, and the contents of it signified the state of the household.

During lean times, the fruit bowl may have apples in it that my Dad bartered rutabagas for... it may have some bananas, but oranges, pears and plums were a rare treat.  I remember when we were  little, we would ride in the front seat of my fathers 1965 Ford truck as he delivered rutabagas to market.  Dad would back the truck up to dock, and we would instantly be chilled in the refrigerated warehouse.  We would walk through sheets of plastic that curtained the chilly interior, and our breath hung in front of us like clouds.  After we helped unload a hundred bushel of rutabagas, the warehouse manager would hand each of us an orange - a huge, juicy Florida orange.  I still salivate when I think about the citrus smell of the rind, and the sweet juicy flesh of the fruit dripping down our chins and hands as we devoured our treats on the way home.  It made the ache in my back worth while.

It wasn't until I was much older and out on my own that I started to connect my sense of prosperity and abundance to the state of my fruit bowl.  In my 20's when living off Ramen noodles and Kraft Dinner, I felt gratitude when my dad would hand me a sack of apples for helping him with a day of harvest.  Later, I started to notice my affinity to linger in the produce section of the market, longing over the fresh berries, pears, and plums.  But it wasn't until I was unemployed, down to my last dime, and feeling lower than I had ever felt, that it fully dawned on me.  Sitting at my kitchen table, trying to pay a few meager bills... I saw it.... my empty fruit bowl.  It screamed poverty.  There wasn't even a single apple in it.  I felt sadder than I ever felt.  My fruit bowl is empty ... it's winter... I can't afford to fill it.

Since that day, I won't take having an over flowing fruit bowl for granted.  I admire each shiny apple.  I gaze at the matte finish of the pear, and imagine the sandy sugary texture of it's flesh.  I imagine baking the bananas into bread or sprinkling them with brown sugar and mixing them into hot oatmeal.  I pick up the oranges and remember the chilly warehouse, the friendly warehouse manager, and the plastic curtains on the dock doors.  A full fruit bowl means I am doing something right....


What signifies abundance to you?  What fills your fruit bowl of prosperity?

 


Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now... Paradise is having fruit in my bowl....

Waking up with GRATITUDE ...

I awoke this morning in my usual Sunday fashion - to the sound of roosters crowing outside my open windows... windows that were open despite it being foggy and misty out.  I rubbed my eyes and looked for my glasses, and realized they were not on my night stand, but instead under my pillow.  Must have fallen asleep reading my Kindle again. 

Once my glasses were on, I looked down on the floor next to my bed and Lexi noticed I was stirring.  Wag-wag... wag...wag... Good Morning Momma... Good morning.  She rose and stretched with her front paws fully extended in a satisfying downward dog, and I let my consciousness catch up with my mind that was as foggy as the weather.  I looked up above my bed to my inspire words - letters I have glued to my walls to remind myself of my intentions each morning, and to remember to be thankful for each day I have a bed, a pillow and a safe place to lay my head each night. 

On the wall directly opposite of the head of my bed - in a place I knew I would be able to see each night before I went to bed, and each morning when I arose - in 4" letters, is the word GRATITUDE.

A Daily Reminder of What Fuels My Soul

Almost five years ago I took out my hot-glue gun (with the understanding I will probably never get my security deposit back) and stuck those letters to the wall.  It was at first to comfort me.... something to look at besides the spinning ceiling fan while I cried myself to sleep each night... wondering.. "Oh God, What's going to happen to me?"

It was a way to ground myself each morning when I woke up, and face the stark reality of my situation.  The light of day slapped me awake from broken sleep and another restless night of tossing and turning.  Each morning I would wake up with the mournful feeling that yes, I am alone.  I am waking up by myself... just me and my girl.   

Wag-wag... wag-wag... Good Morning Momma.  Five years ago the fuzzy face beside my bed was of Destiny's... and I was so grateful to have her there with me.  I needed to remind myself of the reasons I had to get out of bed that day.  Hence, the hot glue gun.... hence, the reminder of all the things I have to be grateful for.... a roof over my head, a soft bed, a safe place to put my head each night, and a fuzzy alarm clock that greets me each morning.  I had the woods, the lakes, the ponds... and my girl.  I really was blessed. 





Days, Weeks, Months, and now finally years have passed ... and I guess the old adage is true - "Time heals all wounds"...   Morning after morning, I would rise - see those words, and the word GRATITUDE started to take on new meaning with each new day.  As the days went by, I found more things to be grateful for... I had my friends, I had my family.   As weeks went by, I started to find gratitude in things I formally mourned - I am grateful for my new life... I am grateful for new opportunities.  As months went by, I woke up one morning and was grateful my husband ended our marriage - I was grateful to be an independent woman. 

Over the years, I have been grateful for true love, grateful for MyHoney, grateful for the life I had with Destiny, grateful for my little clown Lexi.  Grateful for losing my job, grateful for making it by another day... grateful that bills were paid... grateful I ate that day.  Admittedly, there have been some nights I've been too exhausted to look at the words on the wall, and have stumbled into bed and was fast asleep before my head hit the pillow.  There were mornings where I really felt I had nothing left to be grateful for... my health, my love, my abundance... my luck, my Destiny - were gone. I would wake up, see the word  - looking down on me - mocking me, and I  would groan and pull the covers back over my head.  But GRATITUDE never left, it didn't change, it never faded, and it didn't apologize.  It just kept reminding me - day after day, until one day I would awake, open my eyes, and see GRATITUDE in a new light. I realized I always had at least one thing to be grateful for - even if it was just the fact my eyes opened and I was still there.   

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”  ~ Dr Suess

So this morning, half a decade later...I awoke and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, dug my glasses out from under my pillow, and felt the damp mist of the morning drift through the pines.... I focused my eyes on the word - GRATITUDE....  and I noticed my heart felt different when I asked "Oh my God... what's going to happen to me!?"   For today, that question was not asked in pain, fear and desperation..  instead, the question is asked in the same excited manner as a child asks "So what did you get me for my birthday!?"  Anticipation, wonder, and adventure....  Wag-wag.... wag-wag... let's get up Momma, and let's find out! 






Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now.... Paradise is waking up with GRATITUDE.

Lessons Learned .... How I became a Master of My Finances

Guru (Teacher)

"Class is in Session!"... and as if I was actually sitting in University, I sat up a little taller and held my pen to my notebook, ready to take in all and any information Suze Orman was willing to give me through the television screen.  As she flashed her white teeth and her perfect smile, she began with telling her class "After a few years of being a stockbroker, in 1987 I opened up my own firm and had another major setback where one of my employees ripped off all my money. It closed me down for a year or two and I ended up $250,000 in debt. That situation turned out to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me because that's where I learned to stand in my truth. That's where I learned that the truth will always lead you to a better place and a bigger place." 

Her words rang truer than true, no better lesson has ever been taught... and I can only tell you I am in a MUCH better place than I was a short year ago.....

Last year, I decided to get my Masters.  No, I am not going to school for anything... I decided to become a Master of My Finances.   (a MMF if you will)  It was not a light decision, or even one that presented itself with any real choice.  I HAD to get a grip on my finances.  I HAD to do something.  I HAD to start kick kick kicking... or I was going to drown in my sea of debt.

I've never had a problem with debt before.  I always made really good money, and I always lived within my means.. or so I thought.  When I look back on my spending in my 20's and 30's I could have done more to sock money away.  I could have spent less, invested more, and had a nest egg... but instead I bought new cars, had nice things, and lived the American Dream.  Because I managed to stay afloat, I figured I was ok - it was all manageable, and it was manageable... until I got divorced, moved out on my own, bought a truck I couldn't afford, administered expensive medical treatments to a terminally ill dog, and to kick me when I was down, lost my job ... and then the Debt Monsters began to lurk....

My first instinct was "If I close my eyes... they can't see me"... and I hid under the covers from the Monsters.  But they did see me.  They called me, they knocked on my door, they sent me harassing letters, they denied me credit, they devastated my credit score, and they made me a laughable joke to any financial institution that I asked for a loan...  oh, the monsters saw me alright.  They took my new truck, they took me to court, they made my life a living hell.  I became afraid of my mailbox and my telephone.  My confidence in myself was waning... I felt like a failure.  I was living the American Nightmare.

For the first time in my adult life, I had to turn to the bank of Mom & Dad to help me.  Humiliation cut like a knife.  I had no real plan on how I was going to pay them back, let alone Destiny's Care Credit Card, Toyota, or any of the other bills that were swamping me.  I had no idea what to do... where to start, or how to right the ship.... all I knew was I had to do something.. I am a grown woman who has been acting like a child.  I had to take the covers off my head and look the Monsters in the eye..  I turned to Suze Ormans books, Dave Ramsey's blog and website, and started to absorb everything I could about money management and budgeting.  I Googled "Get out of Debt" daily, and read countless articles. 

"The Universe provides to those who seek and are willing to do the work..."

Then one day.... in walks Cindy Parran Brochu, Financial Coach.  Fate is a funny thing... we met through a mutual acquaintance, and we decided to have coffee.  After one hour of talking with her, I knew that the Universe sent me my Guru ... my teacher.  Her Financial Fitness course was just what I needed to attain my MMF... (Master of My Finances) degree. 

Cindy helped by doing what I was too overwhelmed to do... she poured over my finances.  She made me accountable to track my expenses, my expenditures (yes, those trips to Dunkin Donuts add up!) and then once that was complete, she helped me create a spending plan.  Her advise was clear and simple - she advised me to talk to my part time employers to see if they could give me more hours until I could get my coaching business afloat.  She advised me to look at my insurance policies and get new quotes, and to go to my cell phone provider and get a more affordable plan.  And she advised me to take the covers off my head and look at my Monsters... that's right, I needed to talk to them.  She advised me to track my money, and start treating my money with respect. The formula ended up being simple: Make more, Save More, Spend Less. 

While Cindy gave me the tools and the know how - she did not do the work for me.... that was all up to me.   I have to thank my good friend Aileen's blog Kaizen Vision where she suggested to use Mint.com ... it is a FREE personal finance tracking tool that actually makes budgeting fun and easy.  Best of all, you can get an app for your phone so you will always have your budget tracker with you.  This was the first major step to getting my MMF.

The part that scared me the most about Cindy's advice was looking and talking to the Monsters.  They were intimidating and scary.  They were demanding, bossy and made me feel badly about myself.  I am a good person! I am in debt because I was saving my love of my life, my Destiny... what is the matter with you people? Why do you have to be so mean?!!  So I got Pre-Paid Legal (Legal Shield).... and they talked to my Monsters for me.  They sent my Monsters letters, and they told my Monsters to behave and they will get their money.  They even told one Monster to get lost, because they didn't have a leg to stand on.   Bye Bye Monster... Buh Bye. 

MAKE MORE ... 

I followed Cindy's advice, and was given more hours at my job.  I was lucky, I know... but I do trust that my hard work and knowledge paid off, and my employers appreciate me.   I also decided to raise my coaching rates - I have three years experience as a coach, I am certified, and I have worked with many clients who have become very successful.  I felt good about the raise, and it certainly helped in the "Make More" category.  I was afraid I would lose clients or turn people off by asking for more money, but it actually had an opposite effect.  I believe my clients saw the value in what I offered and were willing to pay more.

When you value yourself, other people see the value in you...

I also started looking for ways I could make more money - I sold some flys that I tied, I sold some books on Amazon, and did some odd jobs for extra cash.

SAVE MORE ...

Second, I tackled my debts.... one by one, I entered them into a snowball spreadsheet (hint... Google "snowball debt spreadsheet" and you will find one to use for free).

Next, I went to my Credit Union, and set up two savings accounts - one for my "snowball" and one for "shit happens."  I calculated my exact expenses, and set up my direct deposit to cover that in my checking account.  Any thing that was left over went into "snowball" and "shit happens" respectively.  In a few months time, I had enough money to pay off Toyota, and have a nice comfortable cushion should any other monsters come lurking.  I see you Monster... I got my eye on you...

SPEND LESS ...

Because of Mint.com, I suddenly realized that I was spending on average $25.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts.  That's $300.00 a year.... and I don't even LIKE their coffee!!! (I'm a Tim Hortins girl)  I made a budget to spend just $10.00 a month at "coffee shops", and set budgets for everything from "Fast Food" to "Gas"... I started making a game with myself to stay under budget, and when I did, I put that savings against my Snowball.  Take THAT you stupid Monster!

I also took Cindy's advice and got new quotes on my car and motorcycle insurance.  Thanks to my friend Chris Signore of Garnsey Insurance, I saved $150.00 a year on insurance AND got rental insurance.... a big stick against those "shit happens" monsters.  Die Monsters! Die!!!

Finally, I changed cell phone providers and went on MyHoney's family plan - saving me $100.00 a month!  In Yo Face Monstah!! Who's your Master?! OH YA.

Now that I feel like the debt monsters are at bay, I am ready to tackle the credit report monsters.  Through the advice of my friend Tracy, I went to my credit union and flat out said "I am here to repair my credit, what can you do for me?"  They suggested a secured loan.  Essentially, I put money in an account, and borrowed the same amount of money against the savings account.  I took the money I borrowed, and put it into the same account.  I then set up automatic payments allowing the credit union to automatically draw the payments from that account.  So, for the amount of 3.55% interest, and in the course of a year or so, I will have "good credit" reporting to the agencies.   Down Bad Credit Monster! Down!!

Now that I am a MMF, doors are opening up for me in ways I never expected.  I am able to relax more, work with better suited clients, grow my business and be a better employee, daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister and tenant.   I am no longer burdening my relationships with the conversations of lack, fright, or desperation.  My friends and family no longer feel guilty that they can't help me.  Because of my budgeting prowess I can actually pick up the tab once in a while when MyHoney and I go out to eat.   I hold my head up higher and feel more confident about myself.  Call me the Debt Monster Whisperer....

I always wanted to be "Financially Independent".. but "Independence" doesn't mean going about it alone - it's about aligning yourself with good Guru's .. people who are strong in areas in which you are weak.  Be a good student... listen to their advice, and be willing to take action.  Get your head out from underneath the covers - look at the monsters... they are not as scary as you think.  Sit, Monster Sit.  Good boy. (arf!)

Photo credit - "Where the Wild Things Are"

Paradise is here, Paradise is now... Paradise is Abundant ...

 

 

I Want ..... absolutely nothing

Wanting.... it's become a fad.

You see and hear it in everything from The Secret, to numerous vision board workshops and seminars on how to "manifest your dreams into reality." The promise is if you believe it, you can achieve it.

And to some extent, yes - I agree - what you visualize becomes your reality. The Law of Attraction and Newtons Law of Motion are real - just as real as the law of gravity. That is why it kinda cracks me up when people ask me how they can start to practice or "use" the Law of Attraction in their lives.... um, well... that is like asking when gravity is going to kick in... you kind of don't have a choice - you are effected by the law whether you are aware of it or not. What ever you put out, the Universe sends back. What comes around, goes around. Period the end. Guess what - what goes up, must come down too. Count on it. If you don't believe me, go jump off a bridge and see what happens. The end result aint no Secret, I can clue you that.

When I first started out coaching, a friend of mine asked me to participate in a vision board workshop that she was leading. I was really excited because I had just started reading the Law of Attraction, and I had just watched the Secret... so I was stoked. She lead a very inspiring and motivational workshop, and at the end of the day, we all walked away of all our hopes, dreams and desires cut out of random magazines and stick-glued to a piece of posterboard.

I stared at that damn board every day for months.... I looked at the picture of the cabin in the woods, I looked at the picture of Matt Lauer and Oprah Winfrey (who will be the first ones to interview me when my book hits the New York Best seller List)... and I fascinated about the money I would have, the things I would buy, and the success I would feel. And I felt very, very empty. After a year, I crumpled up the posterboard and threw it in my campfire.

You may be asking, "But Cilly, you are a life coach... don't you believe in setting goals, striving to gain and grow, and achieving?"

Why yes, yes I do... But one lesson I have learned in my own life, and through working with clients is there is a BIG difference between wanting something and working towards a goal. Wanting produces a gap in your life - a gap between where you are now, and where you want to be... creating longing, loss, or lack. Whenever there are gaps in our life, because of the vacuum effect - it has to be filled with something... and that something is usually stress, anxiety, dissatisfaction, disappointment... or as Buddha puts it so simply... "suffering."

Working towards a goal fills that gap - because you HAVE something... you have a plan. You fully acknowledge where you are now, and you fully acknowledge what you want in your life, and you fill the gap with small, achievable steps.... but here is the real "secret"... ready for it? What really magnetizes your goals and attracts them to you is GRATITUDE.

Joel Osteen delivered a great sermon on this very topic today - praise. He said Isaiah 54 says,

“Sing, oh barren woman, you who never bore a child; break forth into song and shout for joy.” You may be at a place today where you have unborn promises; you have loved ones you’re praying for, but aren’t seeing the change; you may even feel barren. During times like these, it’s tempting to give up and say, “Too bad. It’s never going to happen.” But that’s the time when you need to praise God even more. Praise opens the door for God to move and for breakthroughs to come."

The real secret that unlocks all the doors to all our desires is not visualizing on what we do not yet have, but being grateful for what we have already been given. One of my favorite quotes is from Ralph Marston, and I believe he sums it up perfectly

“What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for it - would you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have.”


So, my challenge to you (and when I say you, I mean me.... you can join me if you'd like) is to stop WANTING. I want nothing. I have everything I need to live my best life.

I will continue to grow, stretch, and expand by staying open to all the Universe offers, and I give thanks for the many blessings I have in my life. I am abundant beyond measure. I, alone, am enough.