Running Around in Circles

"Four laps around the track and you're done!"

Fourth grade P.E. class .. aka... torture.  My other classmates took off like gazelles, leaving me to lumber and plod along, breath stinging my lungs, sweat burning in my eyes.  About half way around the first lap, the whole class passed me.  Long, lean, fast... some chuckled as they ran by me.  Others threw out insults "outta the way  lard-ass"... and one, maybe two classmates slowed down and jogged beside me and encouraged me to keep going, until the gym teacher blew their whistle and told them to pick up the pace. 

"C'mon Hansen! Faster!  Hut hut hut!"  My face burned.  Tears started to roll down my cheeks.  As I rounded lap three, all my other classmates were waiting for me to finish.  They couldn't leave until I was done.  The boys wanted to go play baseball, the girls wanted to go off and gossip about the boys.  I wanted to die.

My gym shorts rode up my thighs, and my legs began to chafe.  This is not my idea of fun.  I had to slow down to a fast walk... then just a walk.. and 15 minutes later, I dragged myself across the finish line.  Two of my close friends high-fived me... the rest of the class looked at me in disgust and walked back towards the school.

Ever since then, I have not been a fan of running in circles.  In fact, every chance I  blaze a new trail, walk in dewy grass, find a different way to go.  I love to wander, ramble, roam, rove, stroll... and just plain meander.  I've always thought this made me an adventurer... a finder of new frontiers, or at the very least, the one who knows all the back roads and can avoid the highway like nobody's business.... and to some extent, this is true.

But more and more as I get <gulp> older... and <ahem>  wiser, I am seeing the importance of running in circles.  Not as in the phrase "running around in circles like a chicken with my head cut off" (ewww)... but the discipline of practicing your skills over and over... until they are set in, part of your lifestyle, and become second nature.

Runners run on tracks, not because they don't prefer to run in a straight line, but because the track provides an even surface - a space where they can perfect their performance. They can anticipate the turns, gauge where they need to be for best timing, and compete against themselves for their best personal time. 

Wandering and exploring is great for adventure - freestyle is good for the soul, but there comes a time where you may go back to the start... repeat the basics... perfect your skills.  This is where I am finding myself these days... back to basics.

I just started South Beach Diet with MyHoney.  For those who know me, know I am very anti-diet.  I have struggled with eating disorders as a teenager and in my twenties, I had emotionally damaging results from diets.  However, finding myself back to the heaviest weight I have ever been, I have decided I need to go back to basics.  South Beach (and please don't mis-read this as an endorsement)... seems to be a pretty solid "eating plan" that brings you back to eating healthy foods - when you are hungry, and stopping when you are full.  I have wandered so far from the fundamentals of healthy eating, I decided it was time to circle around the diet wagon once again.  Still, it made me sad to think that I have to lose this weight ALL over again... the same 20 pounds.. over and over and over again. 

Last night I hiked with Lexi down to Otter Ponds, and while I gazed out at the sunset, she skidded around the path, doing her "zoomies"... her version of "running around in circles."  Up the beach, up through the woods, down the path, leaping across the culvert, and zipping past me kicking up sand and beach pebbles as she whisks by and flies down the beach again... then up through the woods, down the path, LEAP the culvert, zips past me... down the beach...

I watched her in awe as she seemed to round each corner faster and faster with lightening speed precision.  Each leap across the culvert was more fearless and took more flight.  Each bound took on more familiarity with the track and she poured on more speed.  With a glance back at me, I could see the pure delight in her face, as she continued her game of perfecting her circle.

Perhaps going back to the start isn't supposed to be a drudgery.  Perhaps, it's a chance to leap higher, round the corners faster... and perfect the circle.  Go Lexi Go!  Go Cilly Go!  Run around that Circle!

Paradise is Here... Paradise is Now... Paradise is perfecting your circles

Dogs are from Pluto...

Tranquilo (Calm)

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

MyHoney and I just celebrated the 4-year anniversary of the day we met.  To start off our celebration, we went to the same Starbucks where we had our first "coffee date."   I remember our first date as though it were yesterday.  I was nervous.. I hadn't been on a"date" for 17 years.  Was I wearing the right outfit?  What if I talk too much? What if I don't talk enough?  What if this isn't really a "date" and I have put too much thought into it?  What if he doesn't like me? What if he does?  As I pulled my bright yellow VW Beetle up to the curb, my hands were shaking.  What am I doing here?

I walked into the coffee shop... I was early, so I sat down in the comfy seats and nervously fidgeted in my chair and waited for him to arrive.  Then the door swung open, and he walked in.... he greeted me with a hug, a warm smile and kindness in his eyes that immediately put me at ease.  We ordered our drinks, sat down, and started chatting away about what we were interested in, what we did for work... and most of all, our dogs.  I felt like I was talking with an old friend. 

If someone had put a time-lapsed camera there that day, you would have seen a whole city bustle and buzz in and out the doors... Right in the heart of downtown Portland, amongst all the hustle and bustle, people streamed in and out, fetching their latte's and mocha grande.. but for us, time stood still.

Before I knew it, I glanced outside and realized the sun had set.  We had been there for four hours... the first four beautiful hours of our relationship together.  I didn't want to admit it to myself...  but I think I was falling for this guy... right here.. in this coffee shop.

Four years later, sitting in the same coffee shop, our discussion was not about getting to know one another... but getting to a deeper understanding of who we are - as individuals, and as a couple.  I shared with him that I am finally reading "Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus".. not just to get insight on our communication conundrums, but to also to better coach my clients.  Taking a sip from his mocha latte, he flashed a boyish grin and asked "If men are from Mars and women are from Venus... where are dogs from?"  Because of the twinkle in his eyes, I knew to play along... "Dogs are from Pluto!" and we both broke out into giggles.  With a "clink" of our coffee cups, we smiled at each other.. I looked into his kind eyes, saw his warm smile, and fell in love with him all over again.

We've come a long way since the first 4 hours we spent together... we have gone through some wonderful times, we've gone through some turbulent times.  We have had to reevaluate our individual needs, our collective needs, and deal with all the emotions that come with such evaluations.  Some conversations haven't been as light and jovial as the conversations we had early on in our relationship.  Some have hurt.  Some have stung.  Some conversations were unable to be had until trust was rebuilt.  Some conversations have been amazingly deep... about our beliefs, our values, and what is most important to us.  It never ceases to amaze me the new and incredible things I can learn about someone when I just open up my heart and listen.

I realized this weekend that we are no longer the people on their first date in that coffee shop.  Life gets busy.  We are now part of the crowd that is hustling and bustling amongst our hectic lives.  Four hour inquisitive and curious getting-to-know you conversations get far and few between.  If we aren't careful, time won't stand still for us anymore.

So, if time won't stand still for us, we need to make time stop for a while.  You have to stop the world and take the time to have amazing conversations - about us, about love, about life, about our dogs.... about Mars, Venus, Pluto and all the stars...  it clears away the storm clouds of doubt and insecurity, and the result is as peaceful as the night sky.  


Paradise is here, Paradise is Now... Paradise is falling in love in a coffee shop

Letting Myself Go...

Salud (Health)


Wearing a much too tight sundress and cursing the inventor of panty hose, I awkwardly make my way up to the buffet table.  It's my cousins bridal shower, and there is the typical patrons .. my aunts, cousins, and of course the friends of the bride who are chatting amongst themselves and calling the brownie they are eating "evil" and chiding themselves saying "I've been so good.. I need to fit into that dress...I'll have to do two Zumba sessions to wear this off"  Truthfully, I've seen mosquitoes bigger than her.

As I reach for a finger sandwich and a scoop of my mom's potato salad, I hear it.. the unmistakable sound of two biddies in the corner, holding their cups of fruit punch with chunks of sherbert floating in it, looking down their noses over their bi-focals -  gossiping.  My ears perk as I hear my name, and then the words said in a low pitiful tone "She has really let herself go..." and then the sound of disapproval and disgust "tsk, tsk, tsk."  I look casually over my shoulder to see if they were in fact talking about me, or if it was just paranoia... and as they see me gaze in their direction, they coyly shift towards each other, adverting their eyes, and start commenting on how Aunt Ethel's jello mold is SO delicious. 

The ladle I was spooning the potato salad onto my plate suddenly feels heavy, and I flop the contents back into the bowl.  My in-expertly applied mascara runs into my eyes and burns, and I suddenly feel flush.  I skip the macaroni salads and load my plate up with garden salad and a spritz of balsamic vinegar.  After the lunch is over, I smile as my elderly Aunts boney hands clamp on to mine as she says "So, when will be be going to your wedding Dear?"  I didn't have the energy to remind her she's already been to one of my weddings. 

By the end of the day I have made close and intimate friends with my Aunt Dee's mini cheesecakes, despite the fact they are made with jello pudding and canned cherry pie filling and a vanilla cookie wafer.  Not really culinary genius at its best, but I manage to put away a plate of them.  I should have just had what I really wanted, a scoop of my mom's potato salad.

Let myself go.  Hrrmph.  Driving home, I pull over in a parking lot and peel off my panty hose that has now left red and raw marks around my waist.  Let myself go.  If I had really let myself go, I wouldn't have bothered wearing this stupid dress, or caked on this ridiculous makeup.  If I had really let myself go, I would have let myself go have fun today instead of putting up with a room of miserable biddies.  If I had let myself go - I'd let myself go dancing, go kayaking, go hiking, just... go.  If I had let myself go, I would let myself go to work less, and go out and play more.  In reality, I haven't let myself GO at all... In fact, I have actually felt quite restricted. 

Once home, I kicked off my shoes (AH!!!!) and put on a pair of baggy jeans and a sweatshirt.  Whistling for Lexi, I grab the leash from the hook and meet her outside.  She bounces around me eager to go on our adventure, but soon realizes I am holding a leash in my hand.  She walks over, sits down, and waits for me to fasten it clasp.  It's a spring day, the remaining snow patches shrink away as the warm sun wakes up the crocuses and daffodils.  Lexi tugs at her leash in anticipation, and dampens her excitement as I gently correct her and make her walk properly.

We finally get to the edge of the trail, and Lexi knows what comes next.  I make her sit, and she quivers and almost wiggles out of her skin.  As she feels my hand search for the latch of the leash, she lifts up on her hind legs like a loaded spring.  Her muscles tense like an Olympian waiting for the starting gun.  On your mark... get set... and as she hears the click of the leash - she bolts off - GO!   A hundred miles an hour, she literally leaves me in the dust, and she tears down the trail.  Part of me gets anxious and wants to call her back... the other part of me is thrilled to see her bound off with such pure joy.  I start walking down the trail with her leash in my hand and see her bounding through the woods like a gazelle.  Games of chase have been negotiated with the chipmunks and squirrels.  Effortlessly she bounds over half toppled trees.  Unbeknownst to me, I am suddenly part of a game of hide and go seek... Lexi bounds out of sight, then out of no where, leaps back onto the trail behind me and races past me like a  rocket.  Suddenly, she does an about face about 20 feet ahead of me and play-bows... The smile on her face makes me laugh out loud... seeing my approval of her crazy antics, she about faces and skitters around the corner after a wayward squirrel.

 Lexi leaped out of her hiding spot as if to ambush me, and I crouched down ... she play-bowed back to me - and we had a stare down.  With a playful hop I jumped towards her and yelled "RAWR!!!".... with a sly smile she bounced back, bounced forward, then did a turn tail and bolted down the trail... bounding and leaping, pouncing on imaginary mice, sailing into the air, and flying down the trail.... Game On.

I stop in my tracks and see the empty leash in my hand... talk about letting yourself go.  I think I'm going to let myself go more often.

Paradise is here, Paradise is now... Paradise is letting yourself go...

Dream a Little Dream...

Sueño (Dream)

When I was little, my mother used to take me with her when she ran errands, and on the way home, we always stopped at the local library.  If I close my eyes, I can still smell the musty rooms,  hear the creaking of the wooden floors, and the faint whispers of patrons recommending their favorite books, or getting information from the librarian who smelled like apples.  It was the one place I can remember at a very young age that my mother would let me "go off" and sit in the children's corner... surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of books.  I loved the way the binders of the books crackled as you opened them.   It was the one place in the world I was allowed to be "indulgent"... sometimes checking out a stack of books that I could barely see over as I walked out the door.  When I got home, I would devour them...  touching the soft paper, turning the pages one by one until I was drifted off into a land of fairy tales and dragons.

OH the ADVENTURES the characters had!  They lived a far more exciting life than I did... or so I thought.  I was just a simple farm girl.  Nothing exciting ever happened around here.... it never dawned on me that I could have adventures and write about them too... until I discovered Laura Ingalls Wilder.  I first met Laura when she lived in her Little House in the Big Woods... I followed her to the Prairie, and to Plum Creek.  She amazed me.  She enthralled me.  She mystified me.  I loved her.  I loved her dearly.  And she was just an ordinary girl... like me... who had adventures.. and wrote about them.  I wanted to BE just like her.. someday, people will read about ME.

I would fantasize about crossing the big prairies out west in a covered wagon, living in the woods, and living in a simpler time.  For a girl who grew up on the coast of Maine on a 100 acre agricultural farm, the prairie wasn't too far a stretch of my imagination... but the woods mystified me.  To smell pine trees as they gently swayed to and fro in the evening breezes, to listen to hoot owls sing lonesome mono-toned melodies, to watch squirrels play, chipmunks cause mischief and other woodland creatures scamper about .. was a dream to me.

I began keeping a diary, and wrote long passages about my life, what I did at school, what boys I had crushes on, the ins and outs of my friends and our relationships.. and as I grew older, I would read them again, and think to myself how silly and immature I sounded.  Cecilia would tout.. "This is garbage!  You are just a boring person who works 80 hours a week, eats, sleeps, cleans the house, pays the bills and goes to bed."   Eventually, I packed up my diaries in a box.. and stopped writing.  I told myself that one day, I will have adventures, and when I do.. I will write about them.  Until then, no one needs to read about my mundane and ordinary life.

“It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.”  Laura Ingalls Wilder

As I sat cross legged on the floor of my new apartment with boxes stacked all around me, I began unpacking all my beloved books.  One by one, their cracked covers and dog-earred pages greeted me as I pulled them out of the box, and placed them on their new shelf - their new home, where they would live with me and keep me company during the next chapter of my life.  At the very bottom of the box, I pulled out a half a dozen leather books... I cracked one open.  Recognizing the teenager's bubbly script.. I sat and read her story... for hours.  As night drew on, I turned the last page, and was disappointed to see the story ended in 1998, the year after she had gotten married and started her high stress corporate job.  I closed the leather cover, wrapped the leather cord carefully around the button closure... and wept.



I marveled at what I just read - the characters were amazing. Some were strong, some were funny, some were loving.. and yes, as in every good story there were some villians.  OH the adventures this girl had! And this girl was ME.  Those characters are some of my friends who aren't even on this earth anymore.  Without my journals, I would have forgotten the words that my best friend Andy said to me the night my dog Daisy died... or how my boyfriend in high school  asked me out on our first date.. or how head over heels in love I was when I first met my husband.  I would have forgotten... what a pity had I not written it down.  I mourned the fact that I lost a decade of my life by not preserving it.  At the time, I didn't find it interesting enough to preserve.. and now, I would give anything to go back and remember. 


I no longer dream about being Laura Ingalls Wilder, living her adventures, and writing about them.  No, instead, I live my adventures... even the small and what seemingly feels mundane... and I write about them.  Maybe one day you will walk into a library, pull down a book, and feel the delight as the binding crackles open... or maybe one day you will download a new title onto your Kindle or e-reader, anxious to be swept away for a while into a new place, be challenged to think new thoughts, or be inspired to try new things... and maybe, one day, you will read about me,
and my little adventures and my little dogs .. my little life .. in the big woods.    

A girl's gotta dream...

Paradise is here, Paradise is now... Paradise is having adventures.. 

and writing about them.

 

Lessons Learned .... How I became a Master of My Finances

Guru (Teacher)

"Class is in Session!"... and as if I was actually sitting in University, I sat up a little taller and held my pen to my notebook, ready to take in all and any information Suze Orman was willing to give me through the television screen.  As she flashed her white teeth and her perfect smile, she began with telling her class "After a few years of being a stockbroker, in 1987 I opened up my own firm and had another major setback where one of my employees ripped off all my money. It closed me down for a year or two and I ended up $250,000 in debt. That situation turned out to be the greatest thing that ever happened to me because that's where I learned to stand in my truth. That's where I learned that the truth will always lead you to a better place and a bigger place." 

Her words rang truer than true, no better lesson has ever been taught... and I can only tell you I am in a MUCH better place than I was a short year ago.....

Last year, I decided to get my Masters.  No, I am not going to school for anything... I decided to become a Master of My Finances.   (a MMF if you will)  It was not a light decision, or even one that presented itself with any real choice.  I HAD to get a grip on my finances.  I HAD to do something.  I HAD to start kick kick kicking... or I was going to drown in my sea of debt.

I've never had a problem with debt before.  I always made really good money, and I always lived within my means.. or so I thought.  When I look back on my spending in my 20's and 30's I could have done more to sock money away.  I could have spent less, invested more, and had a nest egg... but instead I bought new cars, had nice things, and lived the American Dream.  Because I managed to stay afloat, I figured I was ok - it was all manageable, and it was manageable... until I got divorced, moved out on my own, bought a truck I couldn't afford, administered expensive medical treatments to a terminally ill dog, and to kick me when I was down, lost my job ... and then the Debt Monsters began to lurk....

My first instinct was "If I close my eyes... they can't see me"... and I hid under the covers from the Monsters.  But they did see me.  They called me, they knocked on my door, they sent me harassing letters, they denied me credit, they devastated my credit score, and they made me a laughable joke to any financial institution that I asked for a loan...  oh, the monsters saw me alright.  They took my new truck, they took me to court, they made my life a living hell.  I became afraid of my mailbox and my telephone.  My confidence in myself was waning... I felt like a failure.  I was living the American Nightmare.

For the first time in my adult life, I had to turn to the bank of Mom & Dad to help me.  Humiliation cut like a knife.  I had no real plan on how I was going to pay them back, let alone Destiny's Care Credit Card, Toyota, or any of the other bills that were swamping me.  I had no idea what to do... where to start, or how to right the ship.... all I knew was I had to do something.. I am a grown woman who has been acting like a child.  I had to take the covers off my head and look the Monsters in the eye..  I turned to Suze Ormans books, Dave Ramsey's blog and website, and started to absorb everything I could about money management and budgeting.  I Googled "Get out of Debt" daily, and read countless articles. 

"The Universe provides to those who seek and are willing to do the work..."

Then one day.... in walks Cindy Parran Brochu, Financial Coach.  Fate is a funny thing... we met through a mutual acquaintance, and we decided to have coffee.  After one hour of talking with her, I knew that the Universe sent me my Guru ... my teacher.  Her Financial Fitness course was just what I needed to attain my MMF... (Master of My Finances) degree. 

Cindy helped by doing what I was too overwhelmed to do... she poured over my finances.  She made me accountable to track my expenses, my expenditures (yes, those trips to Dunkin Donuts add up!) and then once that was complete, she helped me create a spending plan.  Her advise was clear and simple - she advised me to talk to my part time employers to see if they could give me more hours until I could get my coaching business afloat.  She advised me to look at my insurance policies and get new quotes, and to go to my cell phone provider and get a more affordable plan.  And she advised me to take the covers off my head and look at my Monsters... that's right, I needed to talk to them.  She advised me to track my money, and start treating my money with respect. The formula ended up being simple: Make more, Save More, Spend Less. 

While Cindy gave me the tools and the know how - she did not do the work for me.... that was all up to me.   I have to thank my good friend Aileen's blog Kaizen Vision where she suggested to use Mint.com ... it is a FREE personal finance tracking tool that actually makes budgeting fun and easy.  Best of all, you can get an app for your phone so you will always have your budget tracker with you.  This was the first major step to getting my MMF.

The part that scared me the most about Cindy's advice was looking and talking to the Monsters.  They were intimidating and scary.  They were demanding, bossy and made me feel badly about myself.  I am a good person! I am in debt because I was saving my love of my life, my Destiny... what is the matter with you people? Why do you have to be so mean?!!  So I got Pre-Paid Legal (Legal Shield).... and they talked to my Monsters for me.  They sent my Monsters letters, and they told my Monsters to behave and they will get their money.  They even told one Monster to get lost, because they didn't have a leg to stand on.   Bye Bye Monster... Buh Bye. 

MAKE MORE ... 

I followed Cindy's advice, and was given more hours at my job.  I was lucky, I know... but I do trust that my hard work and knowledge paid off, and my employers appreciate me.   I also decided to raise my coaching rates - I have three years experience as a coach, I am certified, and I have worked with many clients who have become very successful.  I felt good about the raise, and it certainly helped in the "Make More" category.  I was afraid I would lose clients or turn people off by asking for more money, but it actually had an opposite effect.  I believe my clients saw the value in what I offered and were willing to pay more.

When you value yourself, other people see the value in you...

I also started looking for ways I could make more money - I sold some flys that I tied, I sold some books on Amazon, and did some odd jobs for extra cash.

SAVE MORE ...

Second, I tackled my debts.... one by one, I entered them into a snowball spreadsheet (hint... Google "snowball debt spreadsheet" and you will find one to use for free).

Next, I went to my Credit Union, and set up two savings accounts - one for my "snowball" and one for "shit happens."  I calculated my exact expenses, and set up my direct deposit to cover that in my checking account.  Any thing that was left over went into "snowball" and "shit happens" respectively.  In a few months time, I had enough money to pay off Toyota, and have a nice comfortable cushion should any other monsters come lurking.  I see you Monster... I got my eye on you...

SPEND LESS ...

Because of Mint.com, I suddenly realized that I was spending on average $25.00 a month at Dunkin Donuts.  That's $300.00 a year.... and I don't even LIKE their coffee!!! (I'm a Tim Hortins girl)  I made a budget to spend just $10.00 a month at "coffee shops", and set budgets for everything from "Fast Food" to "Gas"... I started making a game with myself to stay under budget, and when I did, I put that savings against my Snowball.  Take THAT you stupid Monster!

I also took Cindy's advice and got new quotes on my car and motorcycle insurance.  Thanks to my friend Chris Signore of Garnsey Insurance, I saved $150.00 a year on insurance AND got rental insurance.... a big stick against those "shit happens" monsters.  Die Monsters! Die!!!

Finally, I changed cell phone providers and went on MyHoney's family plan - saving me $100.00 a month!  In Yo Face Monstah!! Who's your Master?! OH YA.

Now that I feel like the debt monsters are at bay, I am ready to tackle the credit report monsters.  Through the advice of my friend Tracy, I went to my credit union and flat out said "I am here to repair my credit, what can you do for me?"  They suggested a secured loan.  Essentially, I put money in an account, and borrowed the same amount of money against the savings account.  I took the money I borrowed, and put it into the same account.  I then set up automatic payments allowing the credit union to automatically draw the payments from that account.  So, for the amount of 3.55% interest, and in the course of a year or so, I will have "good credit" reporting to the agencies.   Down Bad Credit Monster! Down!!

Now that I am a MMF, doors are opening up for me in ways I never expected.  I am able to relax more, work with better suited clients, grow my business and be a better employee, daughter, girlfriend, friend, sister and tenant.   I am no longer burdening my relationships with the conversations of lack, fright, or desperation.  My friends and family no longer feel guilty that they can't help me.  Because of my budgeting prowess I can actually pick up the tab once in a while when MyHoney and I go out to eat.   I hold my head up higher and feel more confident about myself.  Call me the Debt Monster Whisperer....

I always wanted to be "Financially Independent".. but "Independence" doesn't mean going about it alone - it's about aligning yourself with good Guru's .. people who are strong in areas in which you are weak.  Be a good student... listen to their advice, and be willing to take action.  Get your head out from underneath the covers - look at the monsters... they are not as scary as you think.  Sit, Monster Sit.  Good boy. (arf!)

Photo credit - "Where the Wild Things Are"

Paradise is here, Paradise is now... Paradise is Abundant ...

 

 

Don't blink ... or you'll miss it...

Anica.. Impermanence

When I was a child,  used to have a T-shirt with the name of my favorite Maine town, Oquossoc printed on the front, and the saying "Don't blink, or you'll miss it" written on the back.  I loved the idea of that saying... I loved the notion that if I even closed my eyes long enough to blink, I would miss passing through heaven on earth..... so while in the back of my Dad's Ford F150, I would keep my eyes peeled - astutely paying attention to every turn, hill and valley... in a heightened state of alertness, so that I would see on approach the fire station, The Oquossoc Hotel,  the Gingerbread House (where they served the yummiest home-churned ice cream), the A&G Variety store (where the old natives would sit on the porch, smoking their pipes, playing checkers and telling stories about "the one that got away"... whether that was fish, deer, or women, it was all the same....), and of course, my favorite, Polly's Fly Shop where the smell of moth balls would sting my nose,  and I would stare for hours at the beautiful array of hand tied flies, adorned with exotic feathers, and dream about being Carrie Stevens herself.  What it must have been like to live in God's Country and tie flies all day! 

 I didn't want to miss a thing....

Year after year, we would make our annual fishing trip, and no matter how keenly I watched the road, the little town changed before my eyes.  The Gingerbread house, that used to be a one-room ice cream parlor with a gift shop got renovated and turned into a full service restaurant.  The old dirt road that we used to get jounced and jousted on became smooth and paved.  The A&G started serving things like "smoked salmon and brie"... and became a whole foods market.  Polly's Fly Shop had a closed sign on the door. 

The next year, Polly's Fly Shop had boards on the windows and weeds growing up through the wooden porch.  A few years later, it was an old, tired, dilapidated building.   And then, one year, as if I had blinked my eyes... it was gone.

Don't blink... or you'll miss it....

When I think of impermanence.. I think of all the wonders of my childhood that have seemingly faded away.  Even this week, we lost a legend - Whitney Houston.  She sang me through my adolescence and all my school girl crushes by asking "How will I know, if he really loves me?"... She boosted my self confidence by reminding me that indeed, "learning to love myself... was the greatest love of all," and I would dance around my room wildly belting out "OH! I wanna Dance with somebody!" and wonder who that "somebody who loves me" would turn out to be... and as if I blinked my eyes... those years are gone ... along with the legend who sang the songs.

There is two ways of looking at time... you can think of it as something fleeting - something that escapes us ... something that is lost forever, that we can never get back...  or you can think of it as snapshots, Kodachrome moments to hold dearly... but most importantly, remember that the moment that is most important, the only one you can hold onto - just for a moment - is the one you have right now.   

Paradise is here, Paradise is now .... Paradise is this moment.

 

Sangha (Tribe)

Sangha (Tribe)
Where have you discovered community in 2011? What are the defining characteristics and essential qualities of your tribe?

This particular writing assignment took me a while to think about.. because the two words "tribe" and "community" are vastly different in my book.  "Tribe" to me is akin to being close - very close - like family.  Your tribe is who you count on to take you in, protect you, nurture you, feed you, clothe you... Community is a group of people who share similar interests and live in a generally specific location.  Community is generally linked to something - whether it is a location, a religion, an institution, philosophy, or lifestyle.  


I think for the purpose of this post, I want to talk about my tribe... "my pack" .. and what they meant to me in 2011. 

This is my family.  MyHoney, Derby and Lexi.  They are my comfort, my joy, my heart, soul and solace.  They are my true companions and best friends.  The world can beat me up and spit me out.... but my little pack is always there to cuddle and snuggle - I feel safe in his arms, and brave in their presence.  

Dedicated and loyal, sweet and soft, funny, spirited, jovial and kind.... MyFamily.. MyPack.... MyLoves ... MyLife

Paradise is here, Paradise is now... Paradise is MyFamily

Palabra (Word) ~ Reinvison - Clarity

After watching the State of the Union address Tuesday night, I have been inspired to complete a writing challenge I found last month.  Ya, it's supposed to be done in December, and ya, it's a daily writing challenge that I may or may not keep up with daily... but the result is the same - to sum up the State of Cilly, to reflect on a year of change and challenges, and to move forward towards success and prosperity.  Thanks to my "constituents" for all the support you have given me.


Palabra (Word)
Encapsulate your 2011 in one word. Why that word? What would you like your word to be for 2012? Why?

Ugh... 2011.  To encapsulate 2011 in one word, I guess it would have to be Re-envision.  See, at the beginning of 2011, I had a much different vision then I had at the end of 2011.   In the beginning of 2011, I was struggling financially.  I was trying to get my coaching business off the ground, while trying to make ends meet .... and what little money I had in reserves was running out.   The thought of not being able to pay my rent, put food on the table, or keep my car running was weighing heavily on every business decision I made.  The biggest lesson I learned from 2011 was the impact that fear based decisions can make.  



Decisions made from fear remind me of getting an eye exam.  As the doctor has you look through the cyborg like goggles at the eye chart, he gives you choices on which lens is clearer ... "One? or Two?"  Hmmm... both choices seem  good... noting my hesitation he flips back to the first slide "One?"  flip flip "or Two?"  ... feeling embarrassed that I can't make up my mind, and not able to decide if the character on the third line, second to the bottom is indeed a backwards E (do they really do that?) or a 3, I say "One... I think"...  The result can be a bad prescription that causes stress and strain.

Remove the fear - in this case the fear of feeling embarrassed of not being able to see the chart, I make better decisions.  I choose carefully... and the next decision is clearer "One or Two?"  Two.  "One?"  flip flip "or Two?"  One.  Definitely one.  Suddenly, the character on the third line, second to the bottom clearly becomes a 3.  See.. I knew they wouldn't trick me with a backwards E!


In the beginning of 2011, I made decisions out of fear and my life became fuzzy and unfocused, and it caused stress and strain.   I could no longer see my goals.  My vision became fuzzy.  Everything became blurry.  I lost sight of where I was going.  It was actually a very dark and scary time.



It took alot of soul searching to start shedding some light on my situation.  I started to realize that I had made fear-based decisions.  I recognized the impact fear made on my choices.  And, as Oprah says "Once I knew better, I did better."  I sat down and got brutally honest with myself.  I looked hard at my life, my business plan, my goals, my future and my finances.  I stopped creating stories in my mind about financial failure and being destitute and helpless.  I suddenly realized the only reason I felt helpless is because I hadn't asked for help.  I found that when I faced my truth, I faced my fears, and when I faced my fears, they faded away.  I started to dial in - (flip, flip... one, or two?) and made decisions based on truth.... and suddenly, things became crystal clear.

So, that was 2011.. and now on to 2012... what word would I choose to encapsulate 2012?  Clarity ...  
 I am taking off the blinders of fear, taking my new prescription of truth, and viewing my life through new lenses.... and my future looks pretty damn good.