The Breeze at Dawn....

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.  Don't go back to sleep.  ~ Rumi

I've never been a morning person.   I have always struggled with being coherent and my mind is muddled in a fog until at least 10am.  I have always had to drink copious amounts of coffee to jumpstart my day, and the thought of being up before the sun would literally make my stomach turn.  But long ago, I heard Dr. Wayne Dyer repeat the quote from Rumi "The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you..." and I was intrigued enough to start setting my alarm at 5:30am each day to find out what secrets the breeze had for me.   At first the breeze told me it was dark out, and I was tired.  After a while the breeze told me it was freezing out, and to huddle underneath a quilt as I sipped my hot strong coffee.  Eventually the breeze began to carry song birds, and the sky would be grey and pink instead of stark black.  And now, as I drink an herbal energy drink instead of coffee, I realized the sun beat me out of bed... and the breeze is telling me I need to start waking up earlier.

I have learned to embrace the morning... it is the one time of the day when I am able to sit in solitude and silence - the only noise around me is the song birds, and the awakening world as it comes to life.  I write my morning pages - reflections of who I am, and who I want to be, and instead of a fog in my head, my mind brightens and comes alive.   Sleeping in is simply no longer an option for me, my internal alarm clock snaps me up out of slumber as the morning breeze whispers "Cilly, wake up.... you don't want to miss this..."  I stumble out of bed, rubbing my eyes, and still in half slumber... and greet the new day.  The birds are all a chatter like nosy neighbors - chirping amongst themselves like little biddies reporting on every move their neighbors make.  The squirrels hurry to and fro to gather their wares for the day - and get side tracked by a game or two of chase, and the bees have been working for hours making me feel quite lazy as they drone flower to flower with the work ethic that I can only envy as I stand in my pajamas and watch them toil.

Nature is already hard at work, and I haven't even had breakfast yet.  While what Lao Tzu said
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." may be true .... I know now, that it's only because nature wakes up pretty darn early. Perhaps that is the secret the breeze at dawn wanted to tell me ...

Paradise is here, Paradise is now, Paradise is the breeze at dawn.

2013 - I will take a different path....

Paradise is navigating the twists and turns ...

What if I don't make it? What if I fail? (again) What if I can't do this? What if it doesn't work out?  What if I have to turn back and start all over again.  (again).

My "What If" Gremlin is running amok.  Problem is, Cecilia has a lot of fuel to feed the flame.  I have failed before.  It didn't work out in the past.  I've fallen flat on my face.  I've tried and failed, tried and failed.  I've been down this road before.

There is a mountain in Western Maine that has been my nemesis since 1998. Tumbledown Mountain is that looming goal  - no matter how hard I try, no matter how I research the trail, study the map, pack my gear, and prepare myself for the hike - I have not yet been able to reach the summit.  The first time was because we took an incredibly dangerous trail, and ended up at what they call the "Chimney Sweep" ... and I was literally too fat to fit through the narrow gap in the rocks to reach the summit.  My ex-husband squeaked his thin frame through, took pictures of the views, and came back down to report that there was a boyscout troop at the top.  Astounded I stammered "they allowed children to climb up THAT?!" Pointing to the hole in the rocks that led straight up over a vertical drop.  "No," he meekly admitted "There is an easier trail on the south side"....  Dammit.  Defeated, I hiked back down to the base, determined to find that easier trail next year, or lose weight so I could slide through the rocks next time.

Two years later, I did lose weight.  Destiny and I made a go of the summit this time solo.  She ran ahead of me, bounding up the boulders and scrambling up the rock faces.  As she scrambled to the top of a 15' drop and looked down at me, I froze in fear.  What am I doing here alone?  What if I fall?  I looked down to see how high we were, and I eased my back onto the firm surface of the rock, and shook.  I can't do this - I need to come back with someone.  This is stupid -I have no business being out here by myself.  After twenty minutes of being frozen in fear, I slid down the boulders, firmly holding Destiny's harness so she wouldn't skid off the cliff.  Safely back at the car, I looked up to the summit as it mocked me.  Next time, I will bring a friend, and I will find a different trail... and maybe bring some rope.  I don't want to do this summit alone.

 

Paradise is tackling the summit...

I didn't return to that mountain until 10 years later - this time with MyHoney, Destiny and Derby.  I had thoroughly researched the trail head, the markers and where to start.  I was convinced I had chosen the easiest trail.  We were not going up the Chimney Sweep, but rather we would go the easy trail the boy scouts had been on a decade ago.  This time, Destiny petered out before we could summit.  My poor girl couldn't find the strength to scramble up the rock ledges, so we turned around and hiked back to base camp.   I should have left her home... it was just too much for my old girl.  My bad.

Last summer, I was determined to give the summit another go.  I packed a map, a compass and rope.  I told friends I was out on the trail, and when to expect me back.  I had food, water and supplies. Lexi and I arrived to the mountain, and I started my hike off strong.  About midway up, I couldn't see my hand in front of my face, and was turned back as fog and inclement weather rolled through the region.  Lexi didn't seem to mind frolicking through the lower trails where the fog wasn't socked in.  I was irritated.  This damn mountain just doesn't want me to climb it.  Next time, I need a weather radio. 

Each time I've tried to make the summit, I've learned something new.  I've learned different paths to take.  I've learned who to bring along as hiking partners.  I've learned I need to monitor weather conditions as well as trail conditions.  I've learned what gear to bring, and what gear not to bring.  I've learned how to stake out what direction to take with my compass.  Yet, as I write down on my 2013 goal list "Summit Tumbledown"... I have doubts in my mind.  What if it rains the weekend I plan to do it?  What if I'm not in good enough shape? What if I get lost again?  What if I am just not meant to summit this mountain?

As I was listening to a talk Dr. Wayne Dyer gave "Wishes Fulfilled" - I realized Tumbledown Mountain is more than unconquered summit in my book - it symbolizes every run I take towards a goal, only to slide back down in defeat.  Looking at my goal list for 2013  - there several unconquered summits on the list.  Some I have taken a run at a few times before - just to learn every pitfall and obstacle in my way.  So, while looking at my dreams on paper - the dreams I want so desperately to fulfill - I realize, I need to take a different road - just like I know I need to take a different trail to get to the summit of Tumbledown.  I need better gear, more experienced hiking partners, and the patience to wait for good weather.  I need to prepare myself mentally and physically.  

And, just like changing the trail to take for Tumbledown, the path I need to get to my business goals need to change.  I need to reevaluate who is in my circle -are they helping me get to my goals or holding me back?  Am I mentally and physically fit to work the hours I need to work to attain my goals?  Have I properly prepared by mapping out my plan?  Have I attained the adequate resources to sustain my journey?  Do I need more training and knowledge?  Perhaps I need someone who has already been there to be my guide. 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

By Portia Nelson

What goals do you have on your list for 2013?  Have you made a run at them before?  What will you do differently this time?

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is conquering your Mountain.

** Update - my friend Kelly messaged me after reading this blog post and told me she wants to hike Tumbledown with me this spring, as she has expertly hiked it before.  Stay tuned - I will post pictures of Paradise from the top!

Snow Angel....

Snow Angel 

When I moved out of my marital home and into my own apartment five years ago, it was November.  I drove a Volkswagon Beetle.  My ex kept the brand new Ford F250 with heated leather seats with a 8' plow, and a $550 monthly payment.  That year, we got the most snow I had seen since the seventies.  It seemed like every morning, I would wake up to another foot of snow.  Trudging through the snow with shovel in tow, while Destiny bounded through the snowbanks, I would dig out my car again and again.  Thank goodness my landlord has six kids, because it took at least four of them to push me out of the driveway each day, so I could make the treacherous slide to work in my poorly equipped car that was meant to be a summer vehicle. 

Destiny - My Snow Angel

Up until then, snow meant the world stopping for the day.  My ex-husband and I worked for a lawn care company - our only downtime was in the winter.  At the sight of first flakes, we would be outside - shoveling the walkways together, throwing snowballs at the dog, and when we were done, falling into the snowbanks to make snow angels while Destiny danced around us nipping at our mittens.  We had all the toys - snowmobiles, skiis, and snowshoes.  A snowy Friday night meant home-made pizza, and a bunch of friends gathering to go out for a "mid-night ski" where we would ski in the moonlight - moonlight so bright there was no need for flashlights.  My fondest memories were of Destiny hooked up with her harness, purposefully pulling me as we silently swooshed through the darkness, through the pine trees that looked like cupcakes thickly frosted with icing.

During that first winter on my own, the winter nights seemed darker.  Each snowflake weighed on me like a stone.  No one came around to eat pizza or go for a midnight ski, and I wasn't able to get out and meet up with people because my really cute, but really dumb car wouldn't get me anywhere but stuck in a snowbank.  Nope, instead I was alone, shoveling my walkway - alone.  Mid-shovel I looked up and saw my ridiculous dog Destiny on her back, wriggling and rolling, joyfully making her version of doggie snow angels.  I felt like my days of fun in the snow were long gone.  Destiny can make the snow angels alone - I have a car to dig out.

 I know that we humans are like rest of the natural world and that sadness, fear, frustration, or any troubling feeling cannot last. Nature doesn’t create a storm that never ends. Within misfortune, good fortune hides. ~ Dr Wayne Dyer

Spring came, the snow melted away... and life went on.  Destiny passed away the following winter... and I regretted not putting down my shovel, getting out of my own sorrows for a while, to flop down in the snow to make snow angels with her the winter before.  Each flake that fell was a reminder of the love and joy she had for snow.  Nipping at mittens, barking as we shoveled... rolling on her back in pure bliss.  I smiled as the snow fell, remembering my Snow Angel.  That winter, MyHoney, Derby and I got out to play in the snow every chance we had. I bravely battled winter driving in my trusty Subaru.  Moments, joyful moments can melt away .... and with the melting snow, a new season begins. 

Lexi

In the last four days, we have had two winter storms that brought in over 18" of snow.  I woke up this morning to see another 4" on the ground.  I opened the door to investigate and Lexi bounded out, leaping through the new powder like a white snowshoe rabbit.  Up until this morning, I thought my little diva wasn't fond of snow... she seemed more of a couch potato than a snow bunny.... but this morning, she bounced and jumped, leaped and frolicked, and then flopped onto her back, feet to the sky and rolled joyously....  and there it was - Lexi's first snow angel.  Hold on Lexi - Let me grab my snow suit - I'm comin' out to join you!

Paradise is here, Paradise is now.... Paradise is making snow angels.

Everything is Perfect....

“Everything is perfect in the universe - even your desire to improve it.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

Sometimes I get in a funk.  Some days, finding small glimmers of Paradise in my ordinary existence can be a challenge.  It's even MORE challenging if I make the mistake of snapping on the TV first thing in the morning to watch the news.  Being reminded of the pain and tragedy happening all around us makes it difficult to remember that I am in Paradise.

One of the Empowerment Foundation Principles we learn at iPec Coaching is "There are No Mistakes ~ Everything is Perfect"... it's actually Principle #1. 

I had a hard time wrapping my mind around that principle during the weeks of training, and the months that followed.  At the time, nothing in my world seemed perfect, and countless mistakes seemingly were made.  My marriage was falling apart, my job was thankless and stressful, my dog got sick.... But after the storm, I saw how perfect everything fell into place.  Ending my marriage was the first step in opening up my life to new possibilities.  Ending my job opened doors to my coaching practice.  And my dog being sick, and eventually passing away... you may ask what was so perfect about that?  It was perfect.  I spent hours, days and moments with her that I never would have spent if she had been healthy.  We came together spiritually in her healing, and we forever bonded in her death.  Her life was perfect.... and so is mine. 

Mornings like today, just watching the news, challenge my belief of Universal Perfection.  What is perfect about a madman going into a place of worship and killing peaceful people?  The news is filled with examples of how our world is seemingly imperfect.  But by focusing on the tragedy of their deaths, we are forgetting we are bigger than this life.  The people who were murdered had a purpose here, and part of their purpose was their death.  Our spirits are here on a mission....  our death is not the end of their existence.  Thank them for their contribution.  Even when you don't understand.

Rather than spending energy thinking about evil in the world, mad men with guns, violence, and the fear and the horror of the event... I choose to remember the meaning of the lives of each individual person, the beauty of their existence, and the wholeness of their lives.  Their lives were whole, they were complete.  They were not "cut short"... they were here for exactly as long as they were supposed to be - even if we don't understand why they are suddenly gone.   Their lives, and their death - was perfect.  Honor that perfection.  Be grateful for their lives, the lessons they gave us, and the peace that can come as a result.  We also need to remember we may not see the perfection in our life time.  The circle may take eons to complete - but just believe it will be completed - Nothing in nature is left uncompleted.  The meaning of this madness may not reveal itself to you, but it will be revealed.  I take comfort in this knowing.  It makes watching the news bearable knowing the Universe is Perfect.
 
I realized this morning, after shutting off the TV, that I create Paradise... I am the one who Found it... When I feel sad, upset, depressed about what I see on the news - that is the world I will find myself living in - one that is filled with things to make me sad and angry like murder, rape, violence.   I am not suggesting we all walk around with rose colored glasses, but if we truly believe that we create the world we live in, our feelings and energy is the paint.  I choose to be grateful for the loving people who gathered that day in their place of worship.  I choose to feel peace that their lives were perfect.  I choose to feel hopeful that their families will find comfort.  My world will be created with the paint of gratitude, peace and hope.  I choose the paint - I am the brush.  

“Look upon every experience you’ve ever had, and every one who’s ever played any role in your life, as having been sent to you for your benefit. In this universe, which was created by a divine, organizing intelligence, there are simply no accidents.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

Paradise is here, Paradise is now..... Paradise is perfect.

I Am, therefore I write....

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.” Henry David Thoreau

This morning I woke up and made a pot of coffee, turned Pandora on my favorite jazz station, curled up on the couch with my little dog, and a great book. The thought crossed my mind "wouldn't it be nice to just sit here all day?" Lexi stretched and yawned and cuddled in a little closer as if in perfect agreement with me.

My cup of coffee eventually became empty, and when I looked up from my book I noticed that the sun was skittering across the living room floor, and the leaves outside were glowing in all their Autumn glory. Another thought crossed my mind... "I should get up and go enjoy this beautiful day"... but the couch was so comfy... but then I thought "hmm... I might find more to write about if I go have an adventure" and as if Lexi read my mind, she leaped off the couch and started chasing her tail.

To some, the word "Adventure" conjures up grand images of death defying feats such as sky diving, scaling rock cliffs, or traveling at break neck speeds. Not me. Adventure is my word for going outside with the intention of exploring my surroundings around me with the curiosity of a child. That's all. Sometimes, the Adventures of Lexi and Cilly are as simple as walking the path behind my apartment down to Otter Ponds. Sometimes it's sitting out on the porch watching the chickens. Sometimes it's taking the kayak out for a little paddle around the lake. Whatever Lexi and I end up doing, it's more of an exploration and treasure hunt than a quest to actually "get somewhere"..

Today we ended up at my parents farm. Lexi played with the customer's kids who picked out their pumpkins that they would undoubtedly take home and carve into jack-o-lanterns. Some will end up with smiling faces, some with scary faces. One little boy wanted to get the biggest pumpkin in the patch, and I do believe he succeeded when he pulled his prize up in a wagon, tugging and toiling, and had my father lift his find up onto the scale, where it tipped at 31 pounds. I joked that Lexi weighs just 31 pounds, so he got himself a Lexi-o-Lantern. Lexi seemed very pleased with that idea because she did zoomies around the barn yard to celebrate.

Dad and I took a short walk out back where he pointed out some work he had done, and we talked about haying, his neighbors, deer, geese, and whatever else seemed to come to mind. With an "ayah, I'll be seein' ya"... we walked in opposite directions - he towards the piece of equipment he needed to get greased up and ready for winter, and me towards my car, whistling for Lexi who came springing up from her job of chasing the turkeys out of the corn field.

The rest of today's adventures involved running some errands. It's always an adventure navigating the grocery mart on a Sunday. Once home, Lexi and I ate some supper, cooked up the fresh squash we got from the farm, and enjoyed each bite. There is nothing like farm fresh food... and perhaps we have to eat the garbage we eat day in and day out to realize that food grown from soil and sunshine is far superior gifted from the Universe Herself. Once I cleared my plate, I sat back down with a head full of ideas I wanted to make sure I got down on "paper" before I lost them. As I was typing, I had a "Carrie Bradshaw" moment. OK, so I am not a tall, thin blonde living in New York City writing a relationship article for the New York Times, but I finally felt like I was a writer. I went, I saw, I wrote.


When I first met my boyfriend (who is a DJ who hosts karaoke shows), I said "I can't sing"... he said "sure you can - you just might not sing well!" Deep down, I always wanted to sing karaoke, but fear held me back... What if I sound horrible? What if they laugh at me? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I clear the bar? Other singers would get up there, belt out a tune.. some were good, some eh, not so good.. but they ALL seemed to be having fun, whether they sounded "good" or not. A couple of beers (liquid courage) and coaxing from the man I love, I was up on the stage belting out a rendition of "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics with all I had. The ten people in the bar applauded and I was a star. Now, I can actually say I CAN sing (badly, but with gusto!)

Deep down, since I was a little girl reading "Little House on the Prairie" by Laura Ingalls, I wanted to be a writer. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I am not a writer. Maybe it was my horrendous grades in English class and my incorrigible misuse of grammar. Maybe it was because my mother read my journals when I was a teenager and I was embarrassed because I knew my ramblings about boys, crushes and teen spirit was now "out there"... whatever it was, where ever it came from, it ran deep.

A friend of mine paid me an amazing complement today on Facebook after reading my blog post. She wrote "You are a wonderful writer." She made my day! It wasn't the "wonderful" part of her compliment that made me beam... it was the fact that she called me a writer! Me? A writer? I can't write!? Oh wait... yes I CAN. I just might not write WELL. (and my friend blew that theory to hell because she just called me not just a writer, but a WONDERFUL writer!) It wasn't until she wrote those words of encouragement to me, that it dawned on me..... I AM a writer.

Just like my singing, I CAN sing (I just might clear a room) and I CAN write (just no one may read it)... So what?! As Dr. Wayne Dyer said "When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." So here I am, living my adventures, singing my songs, and writing about them all... because I can.