Paws for a Minute....

Not really believing I was allowing myself to be voluntarily herded into a small, darkened conference room that had been converted into a meditation center, I followed the instructions of the lovely Hypnotist with a pretty baby bump, and a delightful British accent.  "Just make yourself comfortable, whether it be in a chair, or on the floor - you can lay out on the floor if you wish..."  

I watched the other participants choose their spots - a couple ladies laid out stretched on the floor, I chose a corner I could sit criss-cross-applesauce meditation style, and struck my best Yogini pose.

My nagging voice Cecilia muttered... "This is a bunch of hooey you know..."  Shusshing my inner critic, I reminded myself to keep an open mind - this might be relaxing, and Lord knows, after the week I had, I could use some relaxation.

Soft music droned lightly in the background.  Jess, our hypnotist, began talking... she instructed us to close our eyes, to breath, then "scrunch up" a body part, then release ... starting at our scalps and ending at our toes.  Cecilia chimed in "you are doing it wrong..."  Shut up.  Just relax. Who cares? God... why can't I just relax???

 Jess's voice continued and brought us through a visualization of flying over a rainbow (Cecilia -"Is she for real?"  Shut up! )  She asked us to go to someplace lovely, someplace beautiful, someplace where we felt completely safe.  I was immediately in the Western Mountains.... As she flew us "over the rainbow" I flew from my little campsite on Cupsuptic Lake, over Bald Mountain.  I smelled the earthy pine, I heard the loons laughing. 

I landed at Angel Falls....The spray from the grand waterfall created big, beautiful, shimmery rainbows.  Jess asked us to reach through the rainbow - what do we find?  I reached through - I watched my hand stretch out, and I felt the cold, wet rocks.  That's it? That's my big hypnotic moment? A wet and cold piece of granite?  I then felt pressure on my hand, and in my minds eye, I saw a white paw land on top of my hand.  I looked up - and there she was, smiling her Eskie smile, tongue hanging out, and she let out a short huff.  She wanted me to play along - and I knew this game.  I quickly moved my hand back and her paw slipped onto the rock, and I place my hand over her paw.  <<Huff - ha ha, so you do remember this game>> and with a satisfied pant  and a swift move, she pulled her paw away, my hand slipped onto the cold granite rock, and her paw landed back on the top of my hand. 

3, 2, 1..... You may leave your place, knowing that you can go back when ever you want....

I opened my eyes and wiped them, not knowing that tears had formed.  We left the darkened conference room, blinking at the harsh florescent lights in the next room, and from what I could tell, we each had our own experience.  My logical mind wanted to dismiss what happened.  Of course I thought about Rangeley and Destiny - those were the happiest times in my life, the times I felt the most connected to my spirituality and to my source - of course that is where my imagination would return. 

Driving home, I kept replaying the "paw game" in my mind .... I hadn't thought about that game in years.  I almost forgot that that was "our thing."...  Why did she feel she had to remind me of our paw game?  What's up with that Des?

She would always egg me on to play it.  She would nudge, paw, and urge me until I finally had to get down on the floor and take time out to play with her.  PLAY.  I took time out to play.  That was the message she needed me to have.  I need to stop, get down on the floor and play - and I haven't done that in a very long time.  Thank you for the reminder my girl.... thank you for reminding me that I can go back to that place anytime I want. 


Paradise is here, Paradise is Now.... Paradise is taking time out to paws for a minute.

Ordinary, Average Life ....

"I wish to live ever as to derive my satisfactions and inspirations from the commonest events." Thoreau

I feel as though I am stuck in a Beatles song these days "It's just another day... du du du du du... Just another day..."

I know part of it's the weather, part of it's procrastination, and part of it is still feeling shell shocked from last months health scare that MyHoney went through..... but what ever it is, I am ready to lift out of it.  So, I decided to do something different.  No, not anything drastic like sky diving, or getting a tattoo, or hiking the application trail.  I just decided to break my routine, and instead of going straight home after work, I dropped in at a Meet Up at my local bookstore for Aspiring Writers. 

Perhaps to people who have aspired to be writers all their lives, sitting in a coffee shop, tapping away at the keys of a lap top, and sipping lattes is an ordinary average day.  To me, it was as foreign as stepping into another country without a passport.  I walked in, and there they were - fervently working on their masterpieces, some with their pads of paper, others with their macbooks and laptops.  I felt like a fraud.  What am I doing here?  I almost turned around and walked out, until I saw a familiar face, and she saw me too - she waved me over to sit with her, and there I was.... amongst writers .... holy shit.

Since this was a write in, introductions and small talk stayed to a minimum, then they got back to the task at hand... writing.  Ya... I guess I should write something.  Something brilliant of course.  You know, just like everyone else here at the table.  Yup - that's what I'll do... I'll write. I pulled out my laptop, arranged my pens and papers neatly before me on the desk, and waited (then prayed) for a lightening bolt of inspiration to hit. 


Ten minutes of checking Facebook statuses later, I stole glances at my cohorts like the kid who forgot to study during final exams.  Crap. They are all writing away - expertly.  I looked at the page in front of me ... my brilliance began and ended with the word "The .... "  Gawd... what am I doing here?  Cecilia started having a field day.   I am SO out of my element! Yes, yes, you are Cilly.... it's exactly what you needed, a break from your ordinary average life.... and amazing, above average and exciting can be uncomfortable at first.  Suck it up Cecilia - I'm taking you out of your comfort zone.


Move out of your comfort zone. You can only grow if you are willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable when you try something new.  ~ Brian Tracy

A few paragraphs in, I started to forget about myself, and started to just enjoy being with other creative people.  I started to feel the creative energy in the room, and harnessed it as my fingers flew over the key board.  Stopping to sit back and admire the words on the page, I looked up and noticed that some of the other writers - experienced writers - ones who write for a living, were looking up from their notebooks, macbooks and laptops with pensive looks on their faces... searching for the right word, the right phrase - waiting (perhaps praying) for inspiration.  Maybe I belong here after all.

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is being willing to feel awkward and uncomfortable to try something new.

Self-Discovery

Today is Columbus Day here in the States. While I didn't set sail on the ocean blue in the year twenty twelve, I did make some pretty important discoveries about myself.. and it's been one hell of a journey.  I started this blog one year ago today, and while I knew I needed to embark on an adventure, I didn't really know at the time where it would lead me.  Truthfully, I still don't.  All I know is, I'm on the right path.  I thought it would be apropos to list out my discoveries today.



Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau

Paradise Found has taught me how to get lost.  Lose my ego, lose my fear, lose my insecurity....  Cecilia (my Ego) and I have come to a deeper understanding.  Cecilia now takes a back seat to my decision making.  I have been able to make decisions based on facts rather than fear.  When paralyzed in indecision and inaction, I start writing about where I can find Paradise today.  Paradise is found by getting lost.  Lost in myself, lost in my thoughts, lost in the woods ... Lost in his eyes, lost in her charms.  Lost in laughter.  As a result, I lost 20 pounds, I lost illness, depression and a bad credit score.  I lost a lot by being Found. 


It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. ~Lucille Ball

I turned 39 this year.  I had my Meg Ryan breakdown of "I'm gonna be forty!!!" and then embraced the milestone.  I also realized for the first time in 39 years I am doing what makes ME happy.  I'm no longer concerned about what other people think.  It makes me happy to inspire other people ... it makes me happy to be inspired.  Good thing for Karma, because I can reap the rewards both ways.  Paradise is recognizing (and doing) what makes you happy.


"He who knows others is learned;  He who knows himself is wise."  ~Lao-Tzu~

I have discovered that no one knows me better than I know myself.  I know my own body better, I know my own mind better, I know my own intuition better.  Why try to follow someone elses plan?  I discovered when I follow my own rules, I am far more happier, content, and in love with what I do.  Paradise is living according to my own rules.





 
"You don't have to be a Buddhist to be a Buddha"... 

I had some spiritual growing pains this year...  and the most important thing I discovered is I do not need to fit the mold of anyone's religious definition.  What's important is I walk the talk, radiate the light, and express gratitude for all my blessings.  Practice may make perfect ... but it's not necessary to be perfect to practice. 


What discoveries have you made finding your Paradise?  

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now... Paradise is making self-discoveries.....

 

 

Shut UP and Listen!

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.  ~ Richard Bach

I am an excellent listener.  I have been trained to listen to people on a very deep level, and in a very meaningful way.  I practice daily listening to people by validating the speaker, understanding their message, and clarifying the meaning.  Not to brag, but I am often deemed as "intuitive" because I take the time and care to really hear what the speaker is saying.  Partly through training, mostly through practice, but I really pride myself on my listening skills.


Except when it comes to listening to one person.  Me.

Unfortunately, instead of listening to my Inner Wisdom - my Source... I usually end up listening to Cecilia instead. I end up listening to her berate me, contemplate when she asks me "who do you think you are?" and I believe her when she tells me I can't possibly amount to anything because I'm either lacking in resources, money or the brains department. Eventually, the truth my Source tells me -that I'm smart, I have resources, I have potential.... those truths go unheard.


This past week, I had a BIG decision to make - one that was important, and could effect my livelihood.  Because it was such a weighty decision, Cecilia piped up loud and clear in her very opinionated way.  You don't have enough money.  You don't have enough time.  You don't have enough resources.  You aren't right for this.... once again, Cecilia realized that I was setting myself up to take a risk, and she was in full blown panic mode.  Don't take risks, stay here, on the couch and eat ice cream where you are safe and won't make an ass out of yourself... she chided.   But Cecilia was wrong.  I knew it.  I just couldn't hear any voices of reason over her relentless chatter.  


What the Universe does next is a classic parental trick.  You know the one... your mother knows that you aren't going to listen to HER, so she convinces everyone around you to talk to you instead?  "Why don't you  talk to your sister?"... or "Your her best friend, could you talk to her?" Ya.... that old trick.


Later that day, I stared at the blank application for membership, hemming and hawing on how to fill it out.  It wasn't a matter if I SHOULD fill it out, it was HOW I wanted to fill it out.  I had to make a decision on what role I wanted to take, and that as a result would determine how I was going to shape my marketing and target audience for my business from here on out.  Fiercely procrastinating, I decided to return a phone calls to a colleague - randomly - yet SO purposeful. After sharing what we were up to with each other, I shared with her my intent to join a networking group.  I also shared with her I was going to apply as "personal coach".... and remarkably - she picked up on the fact I was having an inner struggle.  "Are you sure that's what you want to do?"  She wasn't talking to Cecilia... she was talking to ME.  And, because I am a great listener, I heard her. "No, I'm not sure..." I sheepishly admitted.  Because she is also an amazing listener, and she is an incredibly insightful coach,  she helped me hear my Source, silence Cecilia, remember my purpose and passion - connect them to my goals and values, and to trust my instincts. By the time I hung up the phone I knew what I had to do.....   I literally said out loud "OK UNIVERSE - I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!"

Without any further delay, I filled out the application for membership and clearly defined my goals and intention and in the "description of services" I wrote "Business Coach."  Because that is my purpose, my passion and my destiny.  I know, because my Source just knocked me over the head.  I wrote the check, and hand delivered it to the Secretary Treasurer.  As I pulled out of her driveway and headed back to my office, the song "Pretty Please" by Pink blared on the radio......

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're ever less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me!

I sang so loud - I think the entire world could hear me.... I know I did... 

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is Listening to Your Source... 

Dream a Little Dream...

Sueño (Dream)

When I was little, my mother used to take me with her when she ran errands, and on the way home, we always stopped at the local library.  If I close my eyes, I can still smell the musty rooms,  hear the creaking of the wooden floors, and the faint whispers of patrons recommending their favorite books, or getting information from the librarian who smelled like apples.  It was the one place I can remember at a very young age that my mother would let me "go off" and sit in the children's corner... surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of books.  I loved the way the binders of the books crackled as you opened them.   It was the one place in the world I was allowed to be "indulgent"... sometimes checking out a stack of books that I could barely see over as I walked out the door.  When I got home, I would devour them...  touching the soft paper, turning the pages one by one until I was drifted off into a land of fairy tales and dragons.

OH the ADVENTURES the characters had!  They lived a far more exciting life than I did... or so I thought.  I was just a simple farm girl.  Nothing exciting ever happened around here.... it never dawned on me that I could have adventures and write about them too... until I discovered Laura Ingalls Wilder.  I first met Laura when she lived in her Little House in the Big Woods... I followed her to the Prairie, and to Plum Creek.  She amazed me.  She enthralled me.  She mystified me.  I loved her.  I loved her dearly.  And she was just an ordinary girl... like me... who had adventures.. and wrote about them.  I wanted to BE just like her.. someday, people will read about ME.

I would fantasize about crossing the big prairies out west in a covered wagon, living in the woods, and living in a simpler time.  For a girl who grew up on the coast of Maine on a 100 acre agricultural farm, the prairie wasn't too far a stretch of my imagination... but the woods mystified me.  To smell pine trees as they gently swayed to and fro in the evening breezes, to listen to hoot owls sing lonesome mono-toned melodies, to watch squirrels play, chipmunks cause mischief and other woodland creatures scamper about .. was a dream to me.

I began keeping a diary, and wrote long passages about my life, what I did at school, what boys I had crushes on, the ins and outs of my friends and our relationships.. and as I grew older, I would read them again, and think to myself how silly and immature I sounded.  Cecilia would tout.. "This is garbage!  You are just a boring person who works 80 hours a week, eats, sleeps, cleans the house, pays the bills and goes to bed."   Eventually, I packed up my diaries in a box.. and stopped writing.  I told myself that one day, I will have adventures, and when I do.. I will write about them.  Until then, no one needs to read about my mundane and ordinary life.

“It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.”  Laura Ingalls Wilder

As I sat cross legged on the floor of my new apartment with boxes stacked all around me, I began unpacking all my beloved books.  One by one, their cracked covers and dog-earred pages greeted me as I pulled them out of the box, and placed them on their new shelf - their new home, where they would live with me and keep me company during the next chapter of my life.  At the very bottom of the box, I pulled out a half a dozen leather books... I cracked one open.  Recognizing the teenager's bubbly script.. I sat and read her story... for hours.  As night drew on, I turned the last page, and was disappointed to see the story ended in 1998, the year after she had gotten married and started her high stress corporate job.  I closed the leather cover, wrapped the leather cord carefully around the button closure... and wept.



I marveled at what I just read - the characters were amazing. Some were strong, some were funny, some were loving.. and yes, as in every good story there were some villians.  OH the adventures this girl had! And this girl was ME.  Those characters are some of my friends who aren't even on this earth anymore.  Without my journals, I would have forgotten the words that my best friend Andy said to me the night my dog Daisy died... or how my boyfriend in high school  asked me out on our first date.. or how head over heels in love I was when I first met my husband.  I would have forgotten... what a pity had I not written it down.  I mourned the fact that I lost a decade of my life by not preserving it.  At the time, I didn't find it interesting enough to preserve.. and now, I would give anything to go back and remember. 


I no longer dream about being Laura Ingalls Wilder, living her adventures, and writing about them.  No, instead, I live my adventures... even the small and what seemingly feels mundane... and I write about them.  Maybe one day you will walk into a library, pull down a book, and feel the delight as the binding crackles open... or maybe one day you will download a new title onto your Kindle or e-reader, anxious to be swept away for a while into a new place, be challenged to think new thoughts, or be inspired to try new things... and maybe, one day, you will read about me,
and my little adventures and my little dogs .. my little life .. in the big woods.    

A girl's gotta dream...

Paradise is here, Paradise is now... Paradise is having adventures.. 

and writing about them.

 

I Am The Greatest...

"UGH!!!! I burned the effin' cookies!!!"

Not sure whether to laugh or hide, MyHoney rolled his eyes and tried to soothe my Inner Martha Stewart the best he could.  While running around, opening the door to my apartment, turning on the fan over the oven and praying to God that my smoke alarms wouldn't start blaring causing another impromptu fire drill for my landlords kids... I swore like a pirate, and beat frantically at the smoldering charcoal cookies with a dish rag.

"This is why I don't bake! I totally suck at it!"

In a huff, I stormed off to sulk, and left MyHoney wondering what Hurricane Cilly would do next....

After checking my pride, and telling Cecilia to go take a long walk off a short pier, I composed myself enough to come back into the kitchen and apologize for my outburst, and pray that MyHoney wasn't contemplating running off with a disgustingly overly-cheerful, peppy perfect cook like Rachel Ray.  Instead of retreating however, MyHoney was happily munching on burnt cookies. 

"You don't have to eat those to make me feel better."

"I'm not" he replied with a satisfied grin.... "These are the best burnt cookies I've ever had!"

"Yup, that's me, I'm the best damn cookie burner this side of the Mississippi!!"... and he smiled and said "That you are!" and he reached for another cookie, and ate it with gusto and delight.

I am a HUGE success!  I am the best at burning cookies!  No one does it better than me! What a talent I have! I'm amazing!  And while I watched MyHoney put away a half a dozen burnt cookies.... I began to realize that even this is a successful moment.  Next time I make cookies, I will try to successfully NOT burn them... but I really am the best at what I do - because I always try my best... and if the result from trying my best is burnt cookies.... isn't that still a success?

My success at burning cookies has gotten me thinking about the paradox of success.  Have there been other instances in my life where I felt like a complete failure... but in fact I was a huge success?  What other cookies have I burned?  In what other instances did I feel like my efforts didn't match up because I was comparing my outcome to someone who is much more advanced than me?  Key words - comparing my outcome to someone elses.  Of course my cookies are not going to come out like Paula Deen's ... I don't sit around making 100 dozen cookies a week, and go through two tons of butter a year.  My cookies are going to come out like Cilly's cookies... perhaps burnt, perhaps not.

Comparing my outcome to someone else.... that has gotten me in a lot of trouble in my life.  Cecilia thrives when I do that.  I get a good case of the "I'm not good enoughs"... and it brings me DOWN.  It would be rather silly to damn myself because I "only" hiked up Bald Mountain (a 2.5 mile hike to a beautiful summit in Western Maine)... because I didn't hike up Everest like Sir Edmund Hillary, or "only" skiing the bunny trail at Sugarloaf and not mastering the half pipe like Seth Wescott.  That would be ridiculous to take away from my own personal success because I am not in the same caliber as professionals that have dedicated their entire lives to defining thier OWN success.... and now, it is time I define MINE.

What is the definition of my success?  For today, it's burnt cookies.... tomorrow, it may be my own personal Everest... but what ever it is... you can be sure that I am the best.

Guilty as Charged...

“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.” ~Victoria Holt

I've been thinking alot about guilt and shame lately.... ya, I know, not exactly an uplifting topic to think about, but it's a topic that gets brought up in coaching sessions often, and I know it's something we all experience and carry around like an overburdened pack mules.

I have also been thinking about guilt, shame and remorse quite often lately because I have made it a personal quest to expand my life and practice being more compassionate. Being compassionate to me translates to not being judgmental, and forgiving those (in the words of the Lords Prayer) who have trespassed against me, and it's also about forgiving myself. It's about ultimate kindness and self-care.

Some guilt is valid, we did something wrong ... and we were either caught in the act, or if we actually "got away with it" we may feel so remorseful for our wrong doings we can't live with ourselves..... much like our friend Denver....





Or the time I found the remote control chewed up.....

And soon discovered the culprit:

The remorse on Denvers face is undeniable, and Lexi clearly showed she felt badly for eating the remote control. Denver and Lexi are not "bad dogs".... and when shown loving kindness, they (because they are dogs, and live in the moment) quickly let go of their feelings of guilt and remorse and resumed to their normal happy, people pleasing and fun loving selves....

So why is it so difficult for us humans to do the same? To let go of shame and guilt? We are also natural people pleasers. We just want to feel accepted and loved, but most of the time, after falling from grace, we are the ones who do not permit ourselves forgiveness - we stand in the way of our own redemption.

I personally am very familiar with self judging, self conviction and self damnation. For some reason, my ego (my Gremlin - I've named her Cecilia) thinks I am supposed to be more perfect than everyone else. Cecilia thinks that I am supposed to have all the answers, be diligent with my finances, and make way more money. Cecilia also thinks that I should be much more educated, well spoken, and polished like a brand new penny. As a result, I constantly fear that I am letting everyone down. I fear I am a disappointment to my family, to my friends, and to my partner, and yes, I sometimes feel like I failed Destiny, and I am racked with guilt that I do not give enough care to Lexi.

Since moving out on my own, getting divorced, losing my job and starting my own business - I made mistakes, alot of mistakes. Some were avoidable - they could have been easily averted had I set aside my pride and asked for help. Some I needed to make, otherwise, I would not be where I am today, but what I am left with is a pile of debt, and a few bruises to my credit score. But what I am learning is guilt, shame and remorse is not going to pay the bills... Whats done, is done. I am also going to acknowledge that I did the best I could, and in this present moment, all is well.

I read somewhere once that carrying around shame is like hiking up a mountain and each time you stub your toe on a rock, you reach down and pick up the rock and put it in your back pack.

It's time to put down the sack, stand up straight, and take a good look at the view. It's time to hike up this mountain without the guilt, shame and remorse that has been weighing me down.

Suze Orman was just recently on Oprah's Life Class, and she said the first step to financial freedom is to BE HONEST. I believe that is the first step to everything. Get honest with yourself - get real.

All journeys need a good map, and a compass. My map is my financial plan I created with my financial coach, Cindy. My compass is what will bring me back to center.... and I am leaning into meditation and exercise.. with that, practice makes .... well, I am not going to say perfect, because Cecilia would like that. Practice makes progress. If the journey gets challenging, I may need a walking stick - support (friends and family) to help me through the rough spots.

Lastly, I need to stop picking up more rocks. Stop beating myself over the head with them too.... I trip, I stumble... but sometimes a stumble is what prevents a fall.


Remembering a wrong is like carrying a burden on the mind. ~Buddha