End the War on Obesity.... Declare Peace.

Sitting down with my coffee this morning, I read through my blogs, scanned the headlines, and sadly my eyes turned to the phrase "War on Obesity".... followed by an article chastising Americans for tipping the scales, and pictures of headless overweight people to exemplify how our waistlines and butts are expanding to astronomical sizes.  All I could think of is I would be horrified if I saw my headless body on the pages of Yahoo News waddling down the streets on an otherwise ordinary day. 

While I understand that America is getting larger and larger, and very real diseases are consequences of our hefty appetites, I still feel the words "war" are harsh, especially when you take the glorified news headlines and whittle them down to the specific individuals they have set their sights on.  That individual is me.  I am in medical terms - obese.  I may not be the image that comes to mind when you hear the word - after all, I am an active, productive member of society.  I hike, kayak, bike, walk.  I eat things like kale, quinoa and tofu.   I am happy and for the most part - healthy.   So why is there a war waged on me?  What crimes against society have I committed?

When I hear people talk about their weight in war terms "Battling my weight, struggling with my weight, wrestling with my weight"  ... I cringe.  Then there are the Boot Camps that treat the overweight like insignificant underlings that need to be punished for being fat slackers and slobs of society.  It makes me angry.... and eventually, the anger subsides to deep sadness.  Sad for the teenage girl that I once was that I constantly battled with.  The personal battle I waged against myself at such a young age nearly conquered me.  As I grew into my twenties - the battle raged on - the battlefield was my dinner plate, base camp was the gym, and the Commander in Chief was whomever I had deemed the expert that day - whether it be Richard Simmons, Jane Fonda, or Susan Powter.  I often went AWOL - binging on bags of chips, bags of cookies, quarts of ice cream, loaves of bread.  Punishment was full on battles at the gym, or worse, head in the toilet to purge myself of all my sins.





The war waged on into my thirties.... this seemingly never ending battle took its toll on my self esteem, relationships and productivity.  It consumed everything I did, every decision I made, and every event to which I was invited.  I had to strategize and make "battle plans" to divide and conquer buffet tables at family events.  I planned and plotted the days leading up to going out with friends - starving myself for days so I could participate "normally" with my comrades.  Surprises such as my husband wanting to take me out to dinner, or being presented with a gift of chocolates, cakes or baked goods were sneak attacks of friendly fire- and I would have to retreat from the battle lines to re-arm. 

If you are thinking to yourself  "that sounds exhausting".... it was.  I trudged myself to the gym, and through my workouts.  There was no joy - it was all militant and with purpose.  I measured my progress of inflitrating the battle lines with tape measures and scales. I lived on rations of diet shakes, pills, powders and supplements. I suffered battle scars and wounds.  Some friendships became collateral damage.  But I was a soldier - I had to win this battle of the bulge.  I even went as far as to become a Weight Watchers leader so I could lead other soldiers into battle. 


Battle weary, I sat down at my computer - meaning to strategize a new battle plan to combat my binging attacks, I stumbled upon a group that met on the Weight Watchers chat boards.... but they were not discussing WW - quite the opposite, they were talking about being victims of war - the war they had declared on themselves, and they had found peace.  The peace treaty they signed was a pledge to themselves to never diet again.  I read the materials they suggested, the books they recommended, and their stories of victory.  I waved my white flag - I surrendered.  I will never diet again.  I entered peace time for the first time in my adult life.  The war was over, I was allowed to come home.

Since then, I no longer fight with myself.  Instead, I have peaceful negotiations on eating consciously, being active and enjoying my life.  Peace time has consisted of enjoying meals, looking forward to dining out with friends and family, and not being stressed out when presented with tokens of love or gratitude in the form of food.  Walking my dogs has become an activity of love and joy, taking note of my surroundings, nature, and enjoying the fact my body can power me up mountains. I still have scars of old battles such as stretch marks, sagging skin, cellulite and age marks, but I look at them as medals of honor. 

So have a  A very merry Christmas, And a happy New Year ~ Let's hope it's a good one, Without any fear.  War is over over ~ If you want it ~ War is over ... now....

Click to purchase

I encourage anyone who is struggling with weight issues to surrender.  This doesn't mean give in, sit on the couch and eat chips.  This means give up the war - declare peace.  Peace equals love, war equals hate... you will never be healthy, fit and vibrant if you hate yourself.  End the war. Do it now. 

I highly recommend reading Geneen Roth's book - Breaking Free from Emotional Eating.  If you would like some coaching to get through the book and end the war, contact me... I'd love to hear from you.




Paradise is here, Paradise is now .... Paradise is being at Peace with Yourself....

I am a river...

Wooded Stream, Douglas Mountain

I don't have the money.  I don't have the resources.  I don't have the time.  I don't know how.  I could never pull it off.  I'm too fat, I'm too lazy, I don't have enough energy, I can't keep up.  I'm unsure, I'm not smart enough, I will never fit in.  They won't like me, they won't accept me, I should just give up.

I can make a million excuses to stay mired in mud.  And, if I really want to wallow in self pity - I will believe all the excuses.  But watching MyHoney recover from what could have put many people in the ultimate mud pit has reminded me - "where there is a will, there is a way."  He has had obstacles put in his way, but he flows around them.  He is determined to not remain stagnant - he knows he is strong, powerful and swift, even at first if his recovery starts off as just a trickle.

MyHoney, finding his way around obstacles in his way...

I woke up this morning feeling stuck and stagnant.  Seems like the same old problems keep following me around.  I wanted to call defeat.  I wanted to sit in the mud and wallow in self pity.... While sipping my coffee I kept thinking to myself "I need to get out of this mindset - I need to get unstuck"  I know from coaching, I needed to shift my focus from what I couldn't do, to what I could do.... from what I don't want, to what I do want.  I don't want to be stuck.  I don't want to be mired in the mud - I want to be like a river.

 Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. ~  Lao Tzu

Swift River, Coos Canyon - Byron M

"I am a river.... " I said to myself.  "I am a river - I go with the flow.  When obstacles get in my way, I find a way around - I find a way up, over and across.  I may start as a trickle ... I may churn and get turbulent, but I am always flowing.  I can wear down the boulders in my way..... I am a river ... I go with the flow.... at first as a trickle, then as I gain momentum, I gain strength." 

Whether you are recovering from surgery, illness, financial set backs, or if you seem to be in a holding pattern of not moving forward, you need to remember you are not a mud puddle - you are not stagnant and mired - you are a river.  When you go with the flow, you can find ways around obstacles.  With enough persistence, you can even cut through the boulders that get in your way.

Swift River, Township E

Everything that we want is downstream...  And you don't have even have to turn the boat and paddle downstream, just let go of the oars, the current will carry you. ~Esther Hicks

Once I finished my mantra, I wrote a list of all the things I can do - things that are within my control, that can get me through this obstacle I am facing.  I kept in mind that I may need to start as a trickle, and once I gain momentum, I can take on more.  With the list of things I can do to change the shape of my landscape in front of me, I felt amazingly unstuck - I will go with the flow.  I am a river.

Paradise is here, Paradise is now ~ Paradise is being in the flow.....

Creating Yourself...

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life's about creating yourself." ~ George Bernard Shaw


When I first saw the light pine cathedral ceilings, the pine cupboards and the light colored walls with the sunlight streaming in the large west-facing windows.... I instantly saw myself living there.  I didn't know who "myself" was... but the person who lived in a place like this was someone I wanted to be.  I imagined this woman to be meditative, soulful, earthy, nature-loving.... a calm hippy chick living in tune with herself and her surroundings.  I wanted to be her ... I wanted to live her life.  

The woman I was currently - stressed, broken, worn out, and used up by the world could never live here.  She could never be roomies with the Zen, tea-drinking, book reading, journal writing woman who would obviously deserved this place.   

My soon-to-be landlord showed me the features of the apartment, but I had long stopped listening.  I was still thinking about the Zen tea drinking woman who lived here. Suddenly, I wanted this place.  Odd, because hours before, I couldn't imagine leaving my house, my soon-to-be ex-husband and my old life behind.  Now, seeing this sanctuary with its adorable little deck,  I imagined myself sitting in the sun, drinking tea and reading books ... lots and lots of books.  I felt excited.  I stepped out to the rail and took in the view and breathed in a deep breathful of pine scented air.  A few chickens meandered by, and I could hear someone playing jazz music.  Something deep inside whispered "Cilly, you belong here... You are the Zen hippy tea-drinking meditative chic who deserves to live here"  Where do I sign?   A little later I was signing a year lease .... pen in hand I signed my way into a new chapter of my life.


That day was the first time in my life that I realized that I could create myself.  I could create the life I wanted, I could create the space I needed, the sanctuary I craved, the life I dreamed about.  This apartment served as a blank canvas to shape a new life out of the rubble that my old life had left behind.  It was the first time in my adult life that my sandcastle had been washed away by the tide, and I was in charge of rebuilding a new sand castle anyway I saw fit.  I could build a bigger, better, more amazing sandcastle, with a little deck, a library of books, chickens and jazz music.  

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

 

Since then, I've had to rebuild a few sandcastles.  My job, my love life, my relationships, my business... but just knowing that whatever I've built, even if it gets wiped out by the tide, or kicked over by bullies, or if I decide to smash it down myself - I can recreate it.  I can build it bigger, better, and more suited to my needs at the time.  And, I am finding, at every new attempt, I am getting damn good at building sandcastles.

Recreating myself was once a scary, daunting and confusing undertaking... but the more I do it, the more I accept the impermanence of life, and understand the joy of letting go... I can actually get excited about the process of change.  It can be exhilarating to see each new outcome -and sometimes the new outcomes are better than the original plans.

I can appreciate Mr. George Bernard Shaw's quote because while I found myself in new places, new situations, new jobs, new relationships - I created myself.  I created the person I wanted to be in those places, in those relationships and in those situations.  I can not control the tide - but I can build the castle.


Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is creating, and recreating yourself. 

When someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"! ...

Five years ago,  I drove to Massachusetts  - a little nervous, a little apprehensive, and a lot excited.  I was on my way to attend the first module of coaching training at iPEC Coaching.  I walked into the room and was greeted by twelve other amazing people who would soon become my life long friends.  I sat in a semi circle, and Stephanie, our leader warmly greeted us "Welcome Coaches"....

Wha???? I haven't learned anything yet! Why is she referring to me as a coach?  I'm not a coach!  But... as I learned, simply by making the commitment to myself, to my future and to my life, and by agreeing to walk the talk, do the work, and learn the material with the best of my ability, and apply it with the upmost integrity - I was a coach... all I was waiting for was the certification to be printed at the end of hundreds of hours later.  

Months later, not according to "plan," I lost my corporate job.  I was almost done with my coaching curriculum to attain my coaching certification.  While being consoled by MyHoney, and talking about what I would do next, he suggested I attend his networking meeting the next day.  Dispite feeling overwhelmed and underprepared, I agreed to go.  One by one, each professional went around and took turns introducing themselves, telling the group what they did, and what would be a good referral for them.  When it came to my turn, I stood and meekly said I was Priscilla Hansen, and "I was trying to start a coaching business"  On the way home, MyHoney offered constructive feedback, and pointed out that I said I was "trying" to be a coach and "hoping" to start my own business.  He pointed out it didn't sound confident.  In my best Lucy tone I lamented  "I don't feel confident right now! I don't even have my certification yet! I don't have any clients, I don't even have a name for my business!" (you BLOCKHEAD!) and that is when he turned to me and said "When someone asks if you are a god - you say "YES!"... And when someone asks you if you are a coach -you say "absolutely yes!" 

Since then, I have earned my certification, created and branded my business, and have many amazing clients.  I have no hesitation when introducing myself and explaining my profession to others.    It's become part of my identity - part of who I am. 

But now I am at the point I want to expand on my identity - I want to add "writer" to the mix.  I put out on Facebook that I would like to start or join a writers group, and a friend made an introduction to me to another writer.  He messaged me saying "Hey - I was told you are a writer"..... at first, I almost corrected him.  No... I'm not really a writer... I just write this little blog, a few articles, some copy for my website.... but then MyHoney's all time favorite movie quote came back to me ... "when someone asks if you are a god, you say YES!"  ... and I responded just that way - YES, I am a writer!  And he invited me to an artists/creative group - and I went... and I made amazing connections I wouldn't have other wise made if I denied myself my true identity - after all, I walk the talk of a writer - I write things, I put my work out there for people to read....ergo, I am a writer. 



When have you been asked if you were a god?  Did you say yes?  Do you need to practice saying "yes, I am a runner, I am an artist, I am a musician, I am a singer, I am ...... " Even if your confidence tells you otherwise?  If you can dream it, you can be it... so just BE your dream.  Be a god!






Paradise is Here, Paradise is now - Paradise is saying yes, I am a god!

Self-Discovery

Today is Columbus Day here in the States. While I didn't set sail on the ocean blue in the year twenty twelve, I did make some pretty important discoveries about myself.. and it's been one hell of a journey.  I started this blog one year ago today, and while I knew I needed to embark on an adventure, I didn't really know at the time where it would lead me.  Truthfully, I still don't.  All I know is, I'm on the right path.  I thought it would be apropos to list out my discoveries today.



Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau

Paradise Found has taught me how to get lost.  Lose my ego, lose my fear, lose my insecurity....  Cecilia (my Ego) and I have come to a deeper understanding.  Cecilia now takes a back seat to my decision making.  I have been able to make decisions based on facts rather than fear.  When paralyzed in indecision and inaction, I start writing about where I can find Paradise today.  Paradise is found by getting lost.  Lost in myself, lost in my thoughts, lost in the woods ... Lost in his eyes, lost in her charms.  Lost in laughter.  As a result, I lost 20 pounds, I lost illness, depression and a bad credit score.  I lost a lot by being Found. 


It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy. ~Lucille Ball

I turned 39 this year.  I had my Meg Ryan breakdown of "I'm gonna be forty!!!" and then embraced the milestone.  I also realized for the first time in 39 years I am doing what makes ME happy.  I'm no longer concerned about what other people think.  It makes me happy to inspire other people ... it makes me happy to be inspired.  Good thing for Karma, because I can reap the rewards both ways.  Paradise is recognizing (and doing) what makes you happy.


"He who knows others is learned;  He who knows himself is wise."  ~Lao-Tzu~

I have discovered that no one knows me better than I know myself.  I know my own body better, I know my own mind better, I know my own intuition better.  Why try to follow someone elses plan?  I discovered when I follow my own rules, I am far more happier, content, and in love with what I do.  Paradise is living according to my own rules.





 
"You don't have to be a Buddhist to be a Buddha"... 

I had some spiritual growing pains this year...  and the most important thing I discovered is I do not need to fit the mold of anyone's religious definition.  What's important is I walk the talk, radiate the light, and express gratitude for all my blessings.  Practice may make perfect ... but it's not necessary to be perfect to practice. 


What discoveries have you made finding your Paradise?  

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now... Paradise is making self-discoveries.....

 

 

From out of the Flames...

This is the weekend of my birthday - the anniversary of my 39th trip around the sun.  My birthday has long marked a time of reflection and cleansing - ... renewal and resolve.  Tradition has been I would pack up my car, take my dog, and spend a weekend in solitude with a leather-bound journal in the woods.  I called them "retreats" .... more of the "withdrawing especially from what is difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable" kind of retreat than the "withdrawal for prayer, meditation, study" kind... to me, my retreats were a way to escape - from what... wasn't revealed to me yet.

Once my campsite was erected, and dinner was cooked, and our bellies were full... I would get to work at starting a fire.  Depending on the materials I had available, and the dryness of the wood, it would either catch immediately - springing forth in a hot blaze, greedily consuming whatever kindling and materials I fed it... The flames would snap happily on the dry kindling, and I would stretch out and gaze at the starlit night.  Before I knew it, the fire that had burst forward with such enthusiasm a few minutes earlier would be out as quickly as if someone had flipped a switch.  It had burned itself out.  

During the times we were socked in with rain, my campwood would be soaking wet.  My efforts only caused the flames to smoulder, languish, sputter and falter ... protesting the wet materials I had because of the soaking rain, and I would have to get creative and strip the bark of birch logs, twist newspaper into tight "sticks", and collect the driest pine needles I could find underneath my tarp.  However, I did discover, the longer it took me to build a fire, once it caught and gained strength, it would burn longer.  The slow, tedious efforts ensured more care from me - forcing me to build a good base, a sturdy foundation with twigs and sticks, and fan it with air so it could breathe and grow.  The result was a roaring fire, with hot, long lasting coals that were often hot enough to catch again and provide heat the next morning.

The flames danced, tempting the darkness like a seductress by leaping back and forth, flickering, flirting and then shying away until I would poke the logs around with my fire-poker and it would jump up again.  Finally, convinced the fire was there to stay,  Destiny and I would curl up on the camp chairs.  The glow of the flames cast enough luminance to make Destiny's eyes glow green, and make the white pages of my journal visible enough to read.  On the white pages, I wrote words that I was ready to let go of in my life - "Fear",  "Anger",  "Anguish"..... and ripped the paper from the book, and gently place the papers onto the flickering flames.  It almost seemed like some words gave the fire hesitation, sucking the energy out of the flames...  the paper gave the fire pause, creating a black shadow the size of the page where there was once aglow, then suddenly, the flame would burst through the page, the word melting out of sight.... and ashes remained.  I repeated this process with angry letters I have written, habits I wanted broken, sorrows I had experienced.  Anything I wanted the smoke to carry up to God and he could do with what He may would find it's fate in the flames of my campfire.


For years that was my practice.... and at the end of the weekend I would go back home to "reality" feeling refreshed and renewed, having purged and watched the flames lick up all my negativity and hurt.  I always thought I was leaving all of that behind - I had watched my troubles go up in smoke, and I could leave this place unburdened, ready to go home and pick up where I had left off before my escape.





Last year on my birthday, I did not make the trek to the woods per normal.  I was too sick, and didn't have the extra money to make the trip.  Saddened, yet grateful that I was on the mend both physically and emotionally, I sat on my couch, lit some candles, and Lexi curled up beside me.  In the ambient light of the candles,  I pulled out my journals and instead of ripping out pages, I read.  I read about a girl turned woman who has grown personally, professionally and spiritually.  I read about a self-educated girl, who soaked in every opportunity to learn, grow - hungrily consuming every book, lesson and teaching.  I read about a woman who chose her partners carefully, yet still experienced heartbreak and sorrow.   I read about new passions breathing air onto the burning embers, and her flames jumping up and dancing again.  I read about a woman who leaped forward in her life professionally all ablaze with ambition... only to be dampened quickly.  As I turned the pages, I mourned, I laughed, I cried.   I read the list of goals from the years before..... some goals have been accomplished.... some need to have new life breathed into them....  some stirred my spirit and got me longing for them again.   I closed the leather journal, wrapped the leather string around the steel button, and looked at Lexi who was curled up, contentedly sleeping in the glow of the candles.... and I said to her "I AM the fire that was built in the rain.... "   


Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now... Paradise is building your fire in the rain.

Shut UP and Listen!

Listen to what you know instead of what you fear.  ~ Richard Bach

I am an excellent listener.  I have been trained to listen to people on a very deep level, and in a very meaningful way.  I practice daily listening to people by validating the speaker, understanding their message, and clarifying the meaning.  Not to brag, but I am often deemed as "intuitive" because I take the time and care to really hear what the speaker is saying.  Partly through training, mostly through practice, but I really pride myself on my listening skills.


Except when it comes to listening to one person.  Me.

Unfortunately, instead of listening to my Inner Wisdom - my Source... I usually end up listening to Cecilia instead. I end up listening to her berate me, contemplate when she asks me "who do you think you are?" and I believe her when she tells me I can't possibly amount to anything because I'm either lacking in resources, money or the brains department. Eventually, the truth my Source tells me -that I'm smart, I have resources, I have potential.... those truths go unheard.


This past week, I had a BIG decision to make - one that was important, and could effect my livelihood.  Because it was such a weighty decision, Cecilia piped up loud and clear in her very opinionated way.  You don't have enough money.  You don't have enough time.  You don't have enough resources.  You aren't right for this.... once again, Cecilia realized that I was setting myself up to take a risk, and she was in full blown panic mode.  Don't take risks, stay here, on the couch and eat ice cream where you are safe and won't make an ass out of yourself... she chided.   But Cecilia was wrong.  I knew it.  I just couldn't hear any voices of reason over her relentless chatter.  


What the Universe does next is a classic parental trick.  You know the one... your mother knows that you aren't going to listen to HER, so she convinces everyone around you to talk to you instead?  "Why don't you  talk to your sister?"... or "Your her best friend, could you talk to her?" Ya.... that old trick.


Later that day, I stared at the blank application for membership, hemming and hawing on how to fill it out.  It wasn't a matter if I SHOULD fill it out, it was HOW I wanted to fill it out.  I had to make a decision on what role I wanted to take, and that as a result would determine how I was going to shape my marketing and target audience for my business from here on out.  Fiercely procrastinating, I decided to return a phone calls to a colleague - randomly - yet SO purposeful. After sharing what we were up to with each other, I shared with her my intent to join a networking group.  I also shared with her I was going to apply as "personal coach".... and remarkably - she picked up on the fact I was having an inner struggle.  "Are you sure that's what you want to do?"  She wasn't talking to Cecilia... she was talking to ME.  And, because I am a great listener, I heard her. "No, I'm not sure..." I sheepishly admitted.  Because she is also an amazing listener, and she is an incredibly insightful coach,  she helped me hear my Source, silence Cecilia, remember my purpose and passion - connect them to my goals and values, and to trust my instincts. By the time I hung up the phone I knew what I had to do.....   I literally said out loud "OK UNIVERSE - I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR!"

Without any further delay, I filled out the application for membership and clearly defined my goals and intention and in the "description of services" I wrote "Business Coach."  Because that is my purpose, my passion and my destiny.  I know, because my Source just knocked me over the head.  I wrote the check, and hand delivered it to the Secretary Treasurer.  As I pulled out of her driveway and headed back to my office, the song "Pretty Please" by Pink blared on the radio......

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're ever less than perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than perfect

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're perfect to me!

I sang so loud - I think the entire world could hear me.... I know I did... 

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is Listening to Your Source... 

I Am The Greatest...

"UGH!!!! I burned the effin' cookies!!!"

Not sure whether to laugh or hide, MyHoney rolled his eyes and tried to soothe my Inner Martha Stewart the best he could.  While running around, opening the door to my apartment, turning on the fan over the oven and praying to God that my smoke alarms wouldn't start blaring causing another impromptu fire drill for my landlords kids... I swore like a pirate, and beat frantically at the smoldering charcoal cookies with a dish rag.

"This is why I don't bake! I totally suck at it!"

In a huff, I stormed off to sulk, and left MyHoney wondering what Hurricane Cilly would do next....

After checking my pride, and telling Cecilia to go take a long walk off a short pier, I composed myself enough to come back into the kitchen and apologize for my outburst, and pray that MyHoney wasn't contemplating running off with a disgustingly overly-cheerful, peppy perfect cook like Rachel Ray.  Instead of retreating however, MyHoney was happily munching on burnt cookies. 

"You don't have to eat those to make me feel better."

"I'm not" he replied with a satisfied grin.... "These are the best burnt cookies I've ever had!"

"Yup, that's me, I'm the best damn cookie burner this side of the Mississippi!!"... and he smiled and said "That you are!" and he reached for another cookie, and ate it with gusto and delight.

I am a HUGE success!  I am the best at burning cookies!  No one does it better than me! What a talent I have! I'm amazing!  And while I watched MyHoney put away a half a dozen burnt cookies.... I began to realize that even this is a successful moment.  Next time I make cookies, I will try to successfully NOT burn them... but I really am the best at what I do - because I always try my best... and if the result from trying my best is burnt cookies.... isn't that still a success?

My success at burning cookies has gotten me thinking about the paradox of success.  Have there been other instances in my life where I felt like a complete failure... but in fact I was a huge success?  What other cookies have I burned?  In what other instances did I feel like my efforts didn't match up because I was comparing my outcome to someone who is much more advanced than me?  Key words - comparing my outcome to someone elses.  Of course my cookies are not going to come out like Paula Deen's ... I don't sit around making 100 dozen cookies a week, and go through two tons of butter a year.  My cookies are going to come out like Cilly's cookies... perhaps burnt, perhaps not.

Comparing my outcome to someone else.... that has gotten me in a lot of trouble in my life.  Cecilia thrives when I do that.  I get a good case of the "I'm not good enoughs"... and it brings me DOWN.  It would be rather silly to damn myself because I "only" hiked up Bald Mountain (a 2.5 mile hike to a beautiful summit in Western Maine)... because I didn't hike up Everest like Sir Edmund Hillary, or "only" skiing the bunny trail at Sugarloaf and not mastering the half pipe like Seth Wescott.  That would be ridiculous to take away from my own personal success because I am not in the same caliber as professionals that have dedicated their entire lives to defining thier OWN success.... and now, it is time I define MINE.

What is the definition of my success?  For today, it's burnt cookies.... tomorrow, it may be my own personal Everest... but what ever it is... you can be sure that I am the best.

I am a Powerful Energy Source...

This morning, the fog lifted.  No.. there was no actual astronomical fog... it was the fog in my mind that has been there for months.  For some reason, this morning seemed different.  Instead of hitting my snooze button on the alarm clock a million times, I woke up, snapped on the Christmas tree lights and brewed a pot of coffee... the sky was still dark, the apartment a little chilly.  My intention was to meditate, or write, or both.. and I marveled that I was even able to come up with a clear intention so early in the morning.  I watched the sun light up the sky, and remembered my personal mantra as I sipped my coffee.  "I am a powerful energy source that radiates love and light to all that surrounds me"

I am a powerful energy source.  I am a powerful energy source.  I turned my gaze to the gentle twinkling of my Christmas tree lights, and thought about my mantra for a moment.  Powerful.  Energy source.  Just like the sun...

Upon second glance out my porch door, the sun now was melting away the darkness, and slowly, the world started to glow.  The snow turned from a crystal white to a soft shade of pink.  The trees looked like they were on fire.  The pink was so intensely illuminated, a shade that is familiar but indescribable.  Yes, for a moment, my breath was taken away and I was amazed at the glory of the morning.  This morning feels different.  There is a shift happening...

When I first thought up my mantra "I am a powerful energy source that radiates love and light to all that surrounds me"... I pictured in my mind a bright ball of fire - hot, intense, burning.  I pictured myself lighting up the world because I was ON FIRE.  And at the time, that felt very right.  I was stoked because I had just completed my coaching curriculum.  I was fueled because I was starting a new business.   I was burning because I was meeting new people and making new connections.

What I never expected was to lose that fire.  The business didn't build as quickly as I intended.  Clients weren't pounding down my door.  Connections and leads dried up.  I lost my spark and the intensity began to fade.  I lost some confidence when I took a hiatus from my business building because of illness and personal hardships.  I began to doubt myself and my abilities.

I thought my fire went out.

Until this morning.  Until I watched the sun rise.  I watched the darkness melt away, the grays turned into hues of yellow, red, and pink.  I watched the sun slowly edge out of slumber.... it gently kissed each hill and valley.... each shadow eventually slinked away.  The snowy Earth welcomed the sun by sparkling in brilliance like diamonds. 

My fire didn't go out... I am a powerful energy source.. like the sun, and I was simply waiting for the dawn of a new day.  Today is my new day.

Time to light up the world.

Be careful what you wish for....

I've been watching alot of Oprah lately... I especially have been enjoying Oprah's Life Class and Soul Sundays. Bravo Oprah for putting something on TV that actually enriches our lives and adds to our character.

Anyway, Oprah was interviewing Tom Shadyac, director of the I AM documentary, and they were talking about cause and effect. What struck me was Oprah's comment about how she used to write down a list of things she "wanted' every year... and she doesn't do that anymore. She joked "One year, I asked for more courage.. so what did the Universe do? It sent me more situations to test my courageousness... so I don't ask for courage anymore!

I literally laughed out loud and tears came to my eyes when she said that... because I have done the same thing. Every year I would take a sabbatical on my birthday, go out into the middle of the woods some where with a leather bound journal and jot down everything I wanted to accomplish. I had a list of things I wanted by the time I was 30, 35, 40... and with each passing year, I look back and see a list of struggles, with a few speckles of success spackled in.

I wanted to be a master of my finances... the Universe has sent me financial disasters to master. I had thousands of dollars of debt from Destiny's medical bills... I lost my job, I struggled to build a business in a weak economy. What better way to become a master than to be thrown into the fire?

I wanted to be healthy, fit, and vibrant... I had excruciating headaches, nausea, vertigo. I learned what it was like to not have my health. I wished for a day where I could work a full day, have the strength to wash my dishes.. to do simple things. I learned to value my health in a way I had taken for granted before.

I wanted to have strong relationships... The Universe has tested my relationships in order to make them stronger - some relationships crumbled completely. At the time, I questioned God - "Why... why on earth is it when I strive for something the most, it seems further and further away from my grasp?"

Cause and effect my friend. What ever you put out... comes back to you. Be careful what you wish for.

I AM...

For anyone who has read my profile, you will notice that I have what seems to be a poem of sorts...

"I am a mountain ~ I am birds singing and trees rustling ~ I am my Destiny ~ I am her brown eyes looking at me with trust ~ I am a timid deer crossing a river ~ I am an eagle soaring ~ I am the shimmering gleams of light sparkling across the water ~ I am the warm sun on my back ~ I am the cool soil of the earth ~ I am Destinys soft, white, downey fur ~ I am the cork handle of my fly-rod, I am the swishing of my fly line ~ I am pure clean air ~ I am clean fresh water ~I am made just for me"

A few people have asked me what it means... to me, it means everything - thank you for asking. It is my manifesto, my mission statement, my personal declaration to the Universe and myself. It is as important to me as my name, received to me in what is equivalent to me as a naming ceremony... during the last day of coaching training at iPec. The day I became a life coach.

Our training leader, Stephanie led us through an exercise where she had us visualize the most sensual place on earth to us. She had is write down the following: I see, I touch, I hear, I taste, I smell, The Universe Is..... and then she turned the CD player on to a beautiful flute and instrumental music, and asked us to think of an experience in our lives where we felt extreme joy and peace. My minds eye brought me right to the banks of the Kennebago River... I had awoken at dawn, made breakfast for me and Destiny and set out to drown some newly tied flies.... the river gleamed and sparkled. The current babbled and gurgled over the rocks. Destiny waded in and let the current sway through her fur. I rolled up my pants, kicked off my sneakers and dipped my feet into the icy water. The air was light and clean, and smelled like the pines that were dancing in the breeze. I held the cork handle of my fly rod that because of use had become fitted and comfortable in my hand. I cast out my fly line ... swish, swish, swish..... I heard a splish-splashing and thought it would be Destiny, but no, it was a yearling making her way across the river, daintily tip-toeing across as if she didn't want to disturb us. Destiny amazingly watched her cross without a peep. The sun rose higher, and the sun warmed my back.... a shadow swept over the river, and looking up I saw an eagle swooping around, as pretty as a kite. This moment was paradise - it was made just for me.

Stephanie gently chimed the tingshas and we all opened our eyes.... then she asked us to write down our vision. Lastly, she asked us to cross out the words I see, I touch, I hear, I taste, I smell, The Universe Is..... and replace the words with the words "I AM" .... and I knew at that moment something magical had just happened. I was, for the first time in 34 years, introduced to my true, authentic, genuine self. I finally knew who I trully AM.

Confession - Before writing this blog entry, I had written another one. Mercifully, for you and me, I did not end up posting it, because it was whiney, full of woe-is-me and simply a pathetic showing of what I am NOT. Luckily, I wrote it, drafted it, and set it aside to read again when I was in a better frame of mind. It was not just unproductive to you, my readers, but it was damaging and un-useful to me, the writer, the one who writes as a method of clarity and therapy.

The title of the drafted blog entry was "I AM FAT!".... with a title like that, you can just imagine the hate, spew and venom it spat from the harsh words, creative self-damnation, and put-downs it contained. It was a waste of my energy to write it, and it would have been a waste of your time to read it. Trust me.

After writing the nearly 10 paragraph declaration of war on all things made with sugar, cream, white bread and dairy, and all the reasons I was weak and pitiful for playing victim to laziness, self-sabotage, and procrastination... I decided to read up on what my other friends were doing. I follow several blogs - some are about personal journeys, some are about dogs, some are a combination of personal journeys and their dogs, like this one.

I also have a secret passion - I love googling classmates and finding out if they are writing blogs. Seems a little creepy-stalker like.... but I find it incredibly interesting to see what the rest of the 70 classmates that graduated from FHS class of 1991 are doing with their lives since the day we turned our tassles and walked out of the halls and away from the people that occupied the formative years of our lives. One blog in particular, I have read for quite some time. The author of the blog did not know until recently that I follow it. She is a friend from high school. I always thought of her as trendy, interesting, witty... so when I first found her blog, I read it because of the interesting photography she takes. We were friends in High School, but not really "close friends", and we never stayed in touch after High School, but I always liked her, and as I said, found her interesting. One day, she posted "I have cancer". That was day 1. She vowed that each day after her diagnoses she would post. I would pop in occasionally to see what she was doing, and how she was feeling. Many times, cancer wasn't mentioned in her daily updates. It was about her kids, or something she was working on. Other days, her posts were signed off with a "Fuck you cancer" It wasn't a woe-is-me statement - it was a warning to cancer to take heed, this girl is out to get you. On this particular day, she was on day 76.

After reading her post, I decided I was not going to post the blog entry I had just written... and here is why - Never once, did Beth ever say "I AM CANCER." I am in NO WAY comparing being overweight to having cancer ... so excuse the disclaimer (and one day, I hope to be a talented enough writer to not feel like I have to have disclaimers.... and one day after that, I hope that my disclaimers will not have disclaimers) But my point is - Beth is NOT cancer. She has cancer. Just like my friend Em is NOT MS, her son is NOT autism, and my sweet Destiny was NOT renal failure... and guess what folks - I AM NOT FAT. I am all the things that I aforementioned in the paragraph above. I am a mountain. I am birds singing and trees rustling - I AM MY DESTINY.

Luckily, I can live my life free of doctors visits, chemo treatments and losing my hair. I do not have to fear dying. Yes, my body is overweight according to medical standards, but for now, it is not a medical issue for me, it's an emotional one. I am not fat. I am not sick. I am not dying.

I Am statements are SO powerful, because the words that fall from your lips land on the ears of the Universe, and the Universe always replies - without fail - "Your wish is granted"

I am so much more than fat. I AM not fat. I am a mountain ~ I am birds singing and trees rustling ~ I am my Destiny ~ I am pure clean air ~ I am clean fresh water ~I am made just for me" I AM made just for me. I am Cilly.


(and PS... day 78 is a beautiful day for Beth.... she IS in remission. She IS cancer free - Fuck you cancer!)

I Am, therefore I write....

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.” Henry David Thoreau

This morning I woke up and made a pot of coffee, turned Pandora on my favorite jazz station, curled up on the couch with my little dog, and a great book. The thought crossed my mind "wouldn't it be nice to just sit here all day?" Lexi stretched and yawned and cuddled in a little closer as if in perfect agreement with me.

My cup of coffee eventually became empty, and when I looked up from my book I noticed that the sun was skittering across the living room floor, and the leaves outside were glowing in all their Autumn glory. Another thought crossed my mind... "I should get up and go enjoy this beautiful day"... but the couch was so comfy... but then I thought "hmm... I might find more to write about if I go have an adventure" and as if Lexi read my mind, she leaped off the couch and started chasing her tail.

To some, the word "Adventure" conjures up grand images of death defying feats such as sky diving, scaling rock cliffs, or traveling at break neck speeds. Not me. Adventure is my word for going outside with the intention of exploring my surroundings around me with the curiosity of a child. That's all. Sometimes, the Adventures of Lexi and Cilly are as simple as walking the path behind my apartment down to Otter Ponds. Sometimes it's sitting out on the porch watching the chickens. Sometimes it's taking the kayak out for a little paddle around the lake. Whatever Lexi and I end up doing, it's more of an exploration and treasure hunt than a quest to actually "get somewhere"..

Today we ended up at my parents farm. Lexi played with the customer's kids who picked out their pumpkins that they would undoubtedly take home and carve into jack-o-lanterns. Some will end up with smiling faces, some with scary faces. One little boy wanted to get the biggest pumpkin in the patch, and I do believe he succeeded when he pulled his prize up in a wagon, tugging and toiling, and had my father lift his find up onto the scale, where it tipped at 31 pounds. I joked that Lexi weighs just 31 pounds, so he got himself a Lexi-o-Lantern. Lexi seemed very pleased with that idea because she did zoomies around the barn yard to celebrate.

Dad and I took a short walk out back where he pointed out some work he had done, and we talked about haying, his neighbors, deer, geese, and whatever else seemed to come to mind. With an "ayah, I'll be seein' ya"... we walked in opposite directions - he towards the piece of equipment he needed to get greased up and ready for winter, and me towards my car, whistling for Lexi who came springing up from her job of chasing the turkeys out of the corn field.

The rest of today's adventures involved running some errands. It's always an adventure navigating the grocery mart on a Sunday. Once home, Lexi and I ate some supper, cooked up the fresh squash we got from the farm, and enjoyed each bite. There is nothing like farm fresh food... and perhaps we have to eat the garbage we eat day in and day out to realize that food grown from soil and sunshine is far superior gifted from the Universe Herself. Once I cleared my plate, I sat back down with a head full of ideas I wanted to make sure I got down on "paper" before I lost them. As I was typing, I had a "Carrie Bradshaw" moment. OK, so I am not a tall, thin blonde living in New York City writing a relationship article for the New York Times, but I finally felt like I was a writer. I went, I saw, I wrote.


When I first met my boyfriend (who is a DJ who hosts karaoke shows), I said "I can't sing"... he said "sure you can - you just might not sing well!" Deep down, I always wanted to sing karaoke, but fear held me back... What if I sound horrible? What if they laugh at me? What if I make a fool out of myself? What if I clear the bar? Other singers would get up there, belt out a tune.. some were good, some eh, not so good.. but they ALL seemed to be having fun, whether they sounded "good" or not. A couple of beers (liquid courage) and coaxing from the man I love, I was up on the stage belting out a rendition of "Sweet Dreams" by the Eurythmics with all I had. The ten people in the bar applauded and I was a star. Now, I can actually say I CAN sing (badly, but with gusto!)

Deep down, since I was a little girl reading "Little House on the Prairie" by Laura Ingalls, I wanted to be a writer. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that I am not a writer. Maybe it was my horrendous grades in English class and my incorrigible misuse of grammar. Maybe it was because my mother read my journals when I was a teenager and I was embarrassed because I knew my ramblings about boys, crushes and teen spirit was now "out there"... whatever it was, where ever it came from, it ran deep.

A friend of mine paid me an amazing complement today on Facebook after reading my blog post. She wrote "You are a wonderful writer." She made my day! It wasn't the "wonderful" part of her compliment that made me beam... it was the fact that she called me a writer! Me? A writer? I can't write!? Oh wait... yes I CAN. I just might not write WELL. (and my friend blew that theory to hell because she just called me not just a writer, but a WONDERFUL writer!) It wasn't until she wrote those words of encouragement to me, that it dawned on me..... I AM a writer.

Just like my singing, I CAN sing (I just might clear a room) and I CAN write (just no one may read it)... So what?! As Dr. Wayne Dyer said "When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way." So here I am, living my adventures, singing my songs, and writing about them all... because I can.

Dog-Earred and Tattered

*Disclaimer... yes, this post is about religion and my experience with it. I respect your religion, God, relationship with God, or lack thereof... please let me share my thoughts and experiences without judgment....*

At my Toastmasters meeting last week, I listened to a riveting speech delivered by one of our very dynamic and INTENSE members. He is a Christian advocate for a topic that is deemed very controversial, but he is very passionate about. At Toastmasters, we do not critique content - that is not our "jobs"... we are not necessarily his audience, we are there to simply give advice, support and feedback to support the structure and delivery of his speech.

As he was speaking, he held up a Bible, dog-earred and tattered, as proof that he had done his homework on Christian doctrine, and no one, NO ONE can challenge him on what is in the Bible (in regard to his controversial topic) because he had read each word written, he had scoured each verse, and researched each documented verse. As he held the Book above his head and gave it a firm shake, a page came loose. This Bible was so throughly consumed it was starting to fall apart. I was impressed.

I thought about the Bibles on my bookshelf. One was given to me in Sunday School by a sweet, kind, matronly woman named Rose. It is a hard-covered King James Version Bible, and inside the cover is her handwriting "Priscilla, May the Lord Bless You and Keep You".... I treasure this Book... I really do... but as far as putting the Word to good use, I believe the most I used it for as a child was to press a four-leaved clover. That was, until I started looking for answers in my life.

When I was right out of High School, one of my best friends committed suicide. I was so hurt, confused, and frightened. I needed answers. I needed to know if God was there, if he was going to be there for my friend, and I needed to know what I thought of God. I pulled the Bible off my bookshelf, dusted it off, and looked for answers.... and found none. I am not saying the answers weren't there, but with the King James Version of the Bible in my hands, I just couldn't get past all the The's, Thys, and Theys.... any answers that were there were lost in translation.

So I asked for a new Bible, and was gifted a Womans Daily Devotional Bible. It has a pretty pink cover, and is seemingly easier to read, but try as I may, I still wasn't able to extract what I needed from it. During my divorce, I turned to the pretty pink Bible for comfort and solace, and in my inexperienced hands, all I found were verses damning divorce, telling me that women should be meek and subservient to their husbands, and basically feeding my Gremlin. Again, I'm not saying that the doctrine wasn't there.... it just wasn't jumping off the pages at me.

Still, there seemed to be something reverent about someone reading a Bible until it was falling apart. It seemed Holy and disciplined. I was attracted to the idea, but not the practice. Why? What was I hoping to find hidden in the verses that I do not already know?

While I was driving to Belfast today I was listening to "A New Earth" by Ekhart Tolle. He writes

"The Truth is inseparable from who you are. Yes, you are the Truth. If you look for it elsewhere, you will be deceived every time. The very Being that you are is Truth. Jesus tried to convey that when he said "I am the way and the truth and the life." These words uttered by Jesus are one of the most powerful and direct pointers to the Truth, if understood correctly. If misinterpreted, however, they become a great obstacle. Jesus speaks of the innermost I Am, the essence identity of every man and woman, every life-form, in fact. He speaks of the life that you are. Some Christian mystics have called it the Christ within; Buddhists call it your Buddha nature; for Hindus, it is Atman, the in-dwelling God. When you are in touch with that dimension within yourself - and being in touch with it is your natural state, not some miraculous achievement - all your actions and relationships will reflect the oneness with all the life that you sense deep within. This is love."

Once I heard these words Eckhart Tolle dronefully recited on my audiobook, I realized that I AM THE DOG-EARRED AND TATTERED book! All the answers I need, God has given me, they are already inside me. I may feel weary, worn out, tired and beat up - because I am scouring the pages of myself - looking for answers, stretching my limits. I do not have a weathered and forlorn book to shake in front of an audience to prove that I am knowledgeable about my faith - I have MYSELF. I have my experiences. I have witnessed amazing wonders - moments in time that I would call miracles. I am full of stories, verses and songs, and just like the Good Book, I may need some translation to help people understand me... and that is ok.

So, for now, my Bibles... both of them, King James and the pretty pink womens devotional Bible remain on my bookshelf. I am grateful to have them, I know I will refer to them when searching for specific phrases or meanings, its comforting to know they are there.... but for now, I am going to dutifully study my pages until they are lovingly worn and tattered.

#Self Occupied

Grew up on a Rutabaga Farm.
First day of work was when I was 6 years old.
Worked side-by-side men twice my age, throwing hay bales, hand weeding thousands of tons of rutabagas and pulling them all by hand.
Graduated from High School and put myself through business school while working three jobs.
First car was a piece of crap Subaru
Got married and bought my own house when I was 24. Made mistakes. ALOT of mistakes. Divorced in 2008.
Corporate job downsized in 2009 - job was outsourced out of state. Became self-employed. HAS NEVER BEEN HAPPIER (and I still drive a piece of crap Subaru)

I am #Self Occupied.

If you've spent anytime on Facebook, you've seen the posts of the lone protester, holding up a sheet of paper detailing their lives, declaring their allegiance or non-allegiance to the #Occupy Wall Street protesters. They either label themselves as the 99% or not....

All of this is rather confusing to me. I am not politically astute. I know enough to stay afloat of issues, and to form an opinion for myself, but not enough to defend my views in a debate - so I avoid political conversations altogether. But this Occupy Wall Street argument doesn't seem completely political. There seems to be more conversations about "fairness" and "obligations" than debates on actual political rhetoric. So, here is where I feel I can form an opinion, voice it, and put it out there. Again, if I am rubbing you the wrong way because of my ignorance of the matter - you are right in feeling frustrated that I am not well educated on the debate - but please do not try to school me. Trust me, I find my own truth.

What concerns me about the protesting, is not necessarily the Occupy Wall Street movement itself, but the alarming number of "copy-cat" protests that are popping up all over the place. Case-in-point, there was a group of protesters outside Bank Of America protesting the fact that they are "too big to fail" and got a bail-0ut from the Government. Fair enough, that seems to be a good argument to base a fight on. What I had a problem with was one of the women the TV reporters interviewed said "The people in this building make more than I do..." and went on to complain that she hasn't been able to get her social services because of the budget cuts by LePage. (if I had a story to reference, I would, but I don't and this isn't a formal article, so I am taking the creative license not to quote sources)...

Hey lady - I have to tell you.... those people in that building make more than you because they worked hard to earn that money. They got good grades in high school, they went to college, they applied themselves, they sacrificed time with their families, they climbed the corporate ladder - and guess what - because we live in America, they have the RIGHT to earn more than you! So get over it!

I am sure that this is NOT why people are protesting at Occupy Wall Street (or at least I REALLY hope so) but it really irks me that there are so many people out there with the attitude of "us verses them" when it comes to high earners and low earners. I do not make as much money as I want to make, but it is nice knowing that because I live in a free country - my earning potential is literally UNLIMITED. All I have to do is work hard, apply myself, and I too, can live the American Dream. I can, you can, we all can. There are plenty of "Average Joes'" out there earning LOTS of money.

Now, I know there is a plethora of reasons to be upset with the Government, taxes, and unfair practices right now, but its time that people start taking personal responsibility for themselves. If you are not earning as much money as you would like to earn - work harder, and then give your time to volunteer. If you are not as educated as you would like to be, pick up a book - and then read it to a child. If you feel you are being treated unfairly, treat others the way you want to be treated. If you feel like the world is full of greed, give more.

I have decided I am starting a movement. So far, it's just me and Lexi, but anyone else can join. It's called #Self Occupied. It's simple to join, there is no place to meet and no posters to make (although if you REALLY want to break out the glue and glitter, be my guest)... there is nothing to protest, nothing to be angry at, no fingers to point, and you are not a number. You do not have to camp outside for days on end, and you can continue to go to your job every day. You are not a label, stereotype, and you are not limited in anyway. Your earning power, potential and creativity is limitless.

To get started, first you have to pledge that you will take 100% responsibility for yourself. It is no one elses fault if you are unhappy or dissatisfied. It is no one elses fault you are lonely, in debt, are overweight, or any other thing that is less than optimal for you. You may have found someone else to shoulder the blame - your spouse, your parents, your boss, your Government, your God....but in order to be #Self Occupied, you need to take that burden back and put it squarely on your shoulders. Once you have acknowledged there is no one else to blame for you being in the place you are..... forgive yourself.

Step two is to realize that every thing you do - everything - is a choice. You choose to be happy. You choose to be abundant. You choose to be grateful. You choose to suffer. Yes, you choose to suffer. Think long and hard about that. Then think about who you would be if you chose something besides suffering. What if you chose joy, gratitude, forgiveness, empathy or compassion instead? What kind of person would you be? Are you willing to be that person? Are you ready to be that person? What does choosing suffering allow you to continue to do?

And finally the last step to join the #Occupy Self movement is to practice kindness. Start yourself and radiate out like the ripple effect of a pebble cast into a pond.... be kind every chance you can. When you think you can't possibly be kind in a situation, find a way. There is always a way to be kind, whether it is to yourself, to another, spoken, or unspoken. Just be kind.

If anyone would like to throw a buck or two towards my organization, heck... I'm a capitalist, I'll take it... but I'd rather see you give it to your favorite charity.

Be the change you want to see in the world... Ghandi

"I'm so disappointed"....

and with that utterance of those three words, my lip quivered, my head bowed down, and huge drops of tears splashed onto the table top.... and with release I sobbed.

To merely admit "I am disappointed" created such a rush of emotion, like someone releasing a flood gate, I was finally given permission (or rather, I gave myself permission) to admit my feelings, and let them gush out of the sluice gates.

Disappointment dresses in all sorts of disguises - Being disappointed with someone else ... carrying around the burden of someone elses actions, that happen to weigh heavier than our expectations. Or, being disappointed in ourselves ... being so attached to the outcome of a situation, we are no longer able to disassociate with it.

I had an unexpected workshop this morning. I was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, wondering what I would do with the fine weather we are having today, and I flipped on the TV, and lo and behold, Joel Olsteen was on. I like Joel Olsteen. I'm not much on "religion" and certainly not TV evangelists, but I appreciate his style of public speaking, and I can relate to his messages which are normally not too "preachy".... and today's lesson was on "Letting Go."... how fitting.

Letting Go. Joels message was rather simple - instead of trying to figure out WHY something didn't go your way - accept it, and move on - knowing that God has something better in store for us. That the end result that we hitched our wagon to was not the end result God wants for us... he has "a better seed" for us to plant.

Did I say simple? Why yes, it is simple. Simple does not equate to easy. But even the message Joel preached today was one that I have talked about with clients several times "If you will let it go and move forward, then you’re going to come into something awesome that God is about to do; not ordinary like you had planned, but extraordinary like God has planned."

Let Go, Let God

So today's workshop is about letting go of disappointment. Letting go of the expectations I have on myself, and expectations I have put on my friends. I am normally pretty good at thinking about "letting stuff go"... but I realized today that I never officially "hand stuff over"... I am bit of a control freak, and delegation was never my strong suit. Trusting that God (or if you care to substitute the word "Universe" or "Higher Power" as I often do)... knowing and trusting that God, the creator of the Universe has it ALL under control is critical in letting go. You gotta let it go SOMEWHERE... simply dropping stuff is not my style - but letting someone else handle it, someone who is more capable than me.... ya, I can see that much clearer.

Joel also talked about removing "Why" from our vocabulary. My Inner Life Coach smiled when he said that, because in coaching training, we learn that "Why?" is one of the most useless questions we can ever ask. He said "Since the Lord is directing our steps, why do we try to figure out everything that happens along the way?” God has you in the palm of His hand. He is directing you every step of the way. That disappointment may not have been fair, but it’s all a part of your divine destiny"

So, the redirect is this... when faced with a disappointing situation ... rather than ask "why is this happening to me?".... the question to ask is "How can I grow from here?" and "What opportunities are available for me?" and "What lessons is the Universe presenting to me?"

I have to admit... I am still pretty bummed out about a few things going on right now.... I am bummed that three of my best friends marriages are on the rocks, I am bummed out that a good friend of mine lost her son last weekend. I am bummed out that a project I am working on is not lifting off the ground the way I had hoped.... but I am letting go of being disappointed, and I am wondering what is in store for my friends, what greater opportunities are coming my way, and what lessons I can learn from here.

It's Just Another Day In Paradise....

It's a phrase we hear often, one that we say through gritted teeth, meant as sarcasm, in jest, to answer the old tired question "How's it going?"....

Most of the time, whether we are the deliverer or the recipient of the phrase, we can relate. We get the person saying it doesn't feel as though life is idealistic, nor are they living the life of their dreams. Usually, when I say it, I want to shut down any "real" discussion of how it is really going, and quickly change the subject.

I've been struggling lately. I've been the person who has been answering (or at least have want to answer) people with the quick and witty phrase of "just another day in paradise" when asked how I am. It bothers me to feel this way, to have this reaction, because daily I work with people to realize their dreams, pursue their passions, and break down the barriers that hold them back from, well... living a life of paradise. My poor attitude and disposition is not an overnight phenomenon... nor do I need to explain its origins or how it came to manifest itself in me... but it's here none the less, like an old comfortable, faded, ratty chamois shirt and sweat pants that I bum around in around the house ... but would never want people to see me in out in public.

Coach, Coach thyself!

I'm a life coach... I guide people every day to find answers deep within themselves that unlock their fears, unblock their hurdles and free them from being stuck in their heads. Well, just like the landscapers lawn, the mechanics car, and the accountants checkbook... sometimes working on yourself is not as easy as working on others.

Last week I had what I would label as an amazing session with a client who decided that she was going to take 5 minutes, three times a day, to focus on what she trully wanted. Before work she would visualize herself having a great day...after work she would visualize herself having a great afternoon with her children, and before going to to bed at night she would reflect on her day, and write down what went well, and what she would like to do for a better tomorrow. Genius. Pure genius. It's not a new stategy - Tony Robbins, Jack Canfield, Steven Covey, Esther Hicks... all the self-help gurus HIGHLY recommend spending some time with yourself ... to "workshop" to "create" to "visualize" ... what ever you want to call it, many highly successful experts recommend this as the one thing that we should be doing for ourselves.

Taking my own medicine....

Since that session I realized I have not been spending much time on myself. Many of my friends have been going through challenges, and because I love them, I have been focused on their issues, not my own. It's ok friends, if you are reading this... please still continue to lean on me.. just know I need to put the oxygen mask on myself first - the plane is going down.

So here is the start (or rather, the continuance after a long hiatus) of my self-exploration. I am not writing this as a "professional blog" because I don't want to worry about "key words" or marketing, branding, SEO or any of that other self-editing crap I have to worry about with a professional blog. This is a personal blog. At times, it may be raw. It may be candid. If you are close to me, you might recognize yourself in some of my ramblings (I will change names to protect the innocent).... but it's real, it's me... it's for me, and it may not be for you.

Today's workshop

Each day, or at least... each day I create space for myself, I intend to pause, reflect, talk about what matters, and hopefully walk away with a deeper understanding of myself. Today I spent some time (listening to an audio book while cleaning my office) .. listening to first Esther Hicks and then Eckhart Tolle. I guess the combination of the two lessons is rather amusing, because Eckart Tolle speaks of being in the NOW, and Esther Hicks speaks of attracting what your desires are by aligning your vibration. I am probably not the best to translate, articulate, or interpret the teachings of the two ... but I can say the understanding I came to this afternoon while scrubbing toilets and sweeping floors....

I've been spending alot of time being dissatisfied. I know that is going to sound vague to some people who read this... but to others, the people closest to me, they will know exactly what I mean. My only hope is they do not own my dissatisfaction. No, it is all my own. It is not through the fault of anyone - not my boyfriend, not my friends, family, parents, clients, employers... no one can own my dissatisfaction but me.

I normally avoid talking about my feelings of dissatisfaction because I don't want to let anyone down, or make them feel uneasy. I don't want my boyfriend to feel inadequate, my clients to feel uneasy, my employers to feel nervous, my parents to feel judged, my friends to feel burdened. So I hold it all in. I never talk about it... and as a result, I feel all the things I hope to shield from others. It's not healthy - and it bums me out.

So you may be asking "Cilly - what are you dissatisfied about?".... because, you see, I asked myself that very same question. And after writing a very long list, and looking at it over and over for possible solutions, I decided none of it is important anymore... because today I am choosing satisfaction. Satisfaction comes from focusing on the present moment, and being grateful for what I have here and now. It does not mean acceptance or being complacent. I still have lofty goals, dreams and ambitions that I am striving for... but being dissatisfied will not get me to the finish line.

I am satisfied (or substitute the word grateful) for so many things - right NOW. It was a beautiful day, the sun was brilliant. My dog Lexi is laying on the couch next to me chasing rabbits in her dreams. I am writing again. I feel creative. I am loved by friends, family and my boyfriend. And if you ask me how it's going... I can trully say.. it's just another day in paradise.