Kindred Spirit...

With an empty styrofoam cup in my hand, I stared at the selection of coffee offerings.  Hazelnut. Blueberry. Pumpkin Spice. Breakfast blend. Dark Roast. Light Roast. French Roast.  Choices... too many choices.  The cafeteria canteens started to all blend together.  My head started to spin.... it's just all too much.

"I just want a cup of coffee." I moaned.

"Me too"

I looked over and saw a slender girl.. probably 10 or 15 (oh, who's kidding.... definitely 15) years my junior.  She wore cotton leggings, a long sweater, and a chic black hat pulled over her soft brown hair.   Her eyes were dark, tear rimmed, heavy.  Like mine.  She had the same dazed look on her face... the look that told me she too was wandering the halls of this hospital, taking each day one at a time, making serious choices for a loved one, deciding what course of action to take next, trying to hold it all together .... and we can't decide what coffee we wanted to drink.




We shared a nod, a smile, and a point in the right direction towards the creamer and sugar...  but we didn't share our stories with each other... we didn't have to - we already knew the story.  Her story was mine, and my story was hers. 

In the patient kitchen, we exchanged smiles and glances as we fetched more ice chips, water, or jello cups for our loved one.  Her brown eyes looked burdened.  She is much too young to look so sad.  I, on the other hand, am too old for back-to-back all-nighters.  Looking at her glossy brown hair made me wonder if mine silvered more overnight.  A joke or two about checking our excess luggage (while pointing to the bags under our eyes) ...an inside joke... an understanding.  It's all too much.  Eyes would water, heads would bow down, and we would retreat to our opposite ends of the hall.  I wondered if she would be ok.  I wondered if I would be ok, then quickly reminded myself that yes, of course, everything will be ok.  It had to be.

For three more weeks I would see her - in the waiting room, in the elevator, at the vending machine. Floor six was our neighborhood.  We had a kinship.  She would catch my eye and smile.  We didn't feel the need to start a conversation.  We both knew we were too weary for that.  





Waiting outside his room... waiting for him to come up from PACU.... waiting for his bed to roll by, so I could grab his hand, see his face, breathe again... Kindred Spirit appeared.  For the first time in three weeks, her brown eyes sparkled, the burden was gone.  I felt a pang of jealousy that washed away quickly when I realized we were on the same road.   I saw what relief looked like - I wanted it too.  Just like how she wanted a cup off coffee that morning.  It's all too much.

"We are going home"  she shyly said.  "I wanted to say good-bye ..... "


She finally told me her story.  Her boyfriend fell while mountain climbing and shattered both his legs.  They had been here three weeks.  He had to have donor bones implanted.  He can walk. No nerve damage.  I shared with her mine.  Surgery was a success.... a few more days and we should be able to go home.   As we hugged, and said good bye, my love was wheeled past me in his bed and returned to his room.  I felt air return to my lungs.  She looked back as she walked down the hall to press the elevator button one last time..... And she knew - I'll be ok.


Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now.... Paradise is a Kindred Spirit.

Sail on Silver Girl....

Mooselookmeguntic Lake, Sunset

Pushing off with my paddle I almost immediately regretted my decision for a sunset kayak ride.  The lake was choppy - the waves cresting in white caps and my kayak bobbed up and down like a cork.  I am not equipped nor experienced for such rough water.

Such is life.  So often I find myself in rough water, and immediately feel unequipped, unprepared -I have no business being out here.  I have felt that way in business, health, relationships....  the water is rough.  I can't swim. What am I doing here? Surely, I'll drown.  

Sunset Paddle

As I settled in to paddling and getting a good rhythm going, I was caught in between mini-fits of panic and sheer delight. I dipped my paddle left, right, left right... pause.. roll over the wave, readjust... left, right, dip, paddle... wee!!!   Eeeek!  It seemed every seventh wave was stronger than the others and splashed over the top of my kayak, showering me with warm lake water.  The air was still warm and muggy, the night sky was a canvas of watercolors.... I was never more terrified and excited at the same time.  I AM alive!


Ah! Again! Such is LIFE!  Terrifying, rewarding, crazy, brilliant, beautiful!  Thrilling!

Hard to believe I am turning 39 the next day.  Thirty nine - didn't I just turn 29?  I guess if you want to describe the last decade of my life, this lake is a perfect analogy - choppy, rough, scary, crazy, thrilling, beautiful, fun.  I managed to paddle through the troubled waters of the last few years. 

Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine 

Common Loon, Mooselookmeguntic Lake

The wind whipped down from the north creating what my Dad always called a "Salmon Ripple".... and the sun cascaded swirls of orange, pink and lavender into the waves.  A loon cried out a mournful howl.  She was missing her mate.  She let out another long cry.  I spotted her bobbing up and down on the same waves that were challenging me.  Her black feathers as dark as night, her white spots glowing in the dimming light - like diamonds.  From across the cove I heard her mate answer in short, reassuring cries - I'm here! I'm here! I'm here!  She immediately dove into the dark waves and was gone to join her partner.   I was left to drift on the waves alone.  But I'm not alone.  Just like that loon, I can reach out to my partner, and he would be there.  In fact, he will be up to camp around midnight tonight to celebrate my birthday with me.  I'm here! I'm here! I'm here!  I couldn't wait to see him and tell him about my adventure.

Calm Waters, Mooselookmeguntic Lake

I paddled to a cove, and even though I was still on the great big lake of Mooselookmeguntic that just a few feet away was churning up white caps that threatened to swamp my kayak, the cove was as smooth as glass.  From here, I was able to watch the sun dip down into the mountains.   I could see the loons, now reunited floating enjoying the calm refuge of the cove.  I wondered what made the loon leave her partner to venture out into the churning waves to begin with.  The clouds exploded with light, rays of sun bursting up into the sky  - turning the clouds into fluorescent shades of hot pink, blazing orange and magenta.  The moon that would be full in a few days - the Blue Moon, glowed behind me.  Although it was hard to take my eyes off the glorious fireball sunset, I decided I had better turn back to camp.  Now I was facing South East, to  Bald Mountain. Looking at the summit from the vantage point of the lake, I smiled at the thought that Destiny is up there, looking down at me.   I am glad I spread her ashes on top of a mountain.  She loved to watch the world go by.... and I was extremely comforted to know she was with me now.  I paddled on....

As if the sun pulled an off switch on a ceiling fan as it set, the wind subsided and the lake became calm.  I gently paddled back to camp, the only sounds were the splashing of the waves against the bow of my boat, and the splashing of my paddles.  Dip, splash... splash... dip...

I thought about the rough waters in my life, and realized I was well equipped to handle the waves.  I had a sturdy vessel, I have a partner in my life who loves and supports me, I have experience, wisdom, and knowledge.  I knew where to look for calm coves to get reprieve.  I have the Universe guiding me and creating beauty.  I can trust myself to navigate.   Sail on Silver Girl....

As the dock came into view, the moon that would be full in a couple days - marking the "Blue Moon"  glowed and the darkened lake glistened in greeting to the moon beams.  All my dreams are on their way... see how they shine....  Sail on Silver Girl...

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is paddling through rough water....

From out of the Flames...

This is the weekend of my birthday - the anniversary of my 39th trip around the sun.  My birthday has long marked a time of reflection and cleansing - ... renewal and resolve.  Tradition has been I would pack up my car, take my dog, and spend a weekend in solitude with a leather-bound journal in the woods.  I called them "retreats" .... more of the "withdrawing especially from what is difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable" kind of retreat than the "withdrawal for prayer, meditation, study" kind... to me, my retreats were a way to escape - from what... wasn't revealed to me yet.

Once my campsite was erected, and dinner was cooked, and our bellies were full... I would get to work at starting a fire.  Depending on the materials I had available, and the dryness of the wood, it would either catch immediately - springing forth in a hot blaze, greedily consuming whatever kindling and materials I fed it... The flames would snap happily on the dry kindling, and I would stretch out and gaze at the starlit night.  Before I knew it, the fire that had burst forward with such enthusiasm a few minutes earlier would be out as quickly as if someone had flipped a switch.  It had burned itself out.  

During the times we were socked in with rain, my campwood would be soaking wet.  My efforts only caused the flames to smoulder, languish, sputter and falter ... protesting the wet materials I had because of the soaking rain, and I would have to get creative and strip the bark of birch logs, twist newspaper into tight "sticks", and collect the driest pine needles I could find underneath my tarp.  However, I did discover, the longer it took me to build a fire, once it caught and gained strength, it would burn longer.  The slow, tedious efforts ensured more care from me - forcing me to build a good base, a sturdy foundation with twigs and sticks, and fan it with air so it could breathe and grow.  The result was a roaring fire, with hot, long lasting coals that were often hot enough to catch again and provide heat the next morning.

The flames danced, tempting the darkness like a seductress by leaping back and forth, flickering, flirting and then shying away until I would poke the logs around with my fire-poker and it would jump up again.  Finally, convinced the fire was there to stay,  Destiny and I would curl up on the camp chairs.  The glow of the flames cast enough luminance to make Destiny's eyes glow green, and make the white pages of my journal visible enough to read.  On the white pages, I wrote words that I was ready to let go of in my life - "Fear",  "Anger",  "Anguish"..... and ripped the paper from the book, and gently place the papers onto the flickering flames.  It almost seemed like some words gave the fire hesitation, sucking the energy out of the flames...  the paper gave the fire pause, creating a black shadow the size of the page where there was once aglow, then suddenly, the flame would burst through the page, the word melting out of sight.... and ashes remained.  I repeated this process with angry letters I have written, habits I wanted broken, sorrows I had experienced.  Anything I wanted the smoke to carry up to God and he could do with what He may would find it's fate in the flames of my campfire.


For years that was my practice.... and at the end of the weekend I would go back home to "reality" feeling refreshed and renewed, having purged and watched the flames lick up all my negativity and hurt.  I always thought I was leaving all of that behind - I had watched my troubles go up in smoke, and I could leave this place unburdened, ready to go home and pick up where I had left off before my escape.





Last year on my birthday, I did not make the trek to the woods per normal.  I was too sick, and didn't have the extra money to make the trip.  Saddened, yet grateful that I was on the mend both physically and emotionally, I sat on my couch, lit some candles, and Lexi curled up beside me.  In the ambient light of the candles,  I pulled out my journals and instead of ripping out pages, I read.  I read about a girl turned woman who has grown personally, professionally and spiritually.  I read about a self-educated girl, who soaked in every opportunity to learn, grow - hungrily consuming every book, lesson and teaching.  I read about a woman who chose her partners carefully, yet still experienced heartbreak and sorrow.   I read about new passions breathing air onto the burning embers, and her flames jumping up and dancing again.  I read about a woman who leaped forward in her life professionally all ablaze with ambition... only to be dampened quickly.  As I turned the pages, I mourned, I laughed, I cried.   I read the list of goals from the years before..... some goals have been accomplished.... some need to have new life breathed into them....  some stirred my spirit and got me longing for them again.   I closed the leather journal, wrapped the leather string around the steel button, and looked at Lexi who was curled up, contentedly sleeping in the glow of the candles.... and I said to her "I AM the fire that was built in the rain.... "   


Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now... Paradise is building your fire in the rain.

Dirty Laundry...

Photo Credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/roymontgomery/

I was raised you never aired your "Dirty Laundry".... meaning, you didn't share intimate details of your life outside of the family - financial problems, relationship issues, political views, and most of all you never ever talked about sex.  Ever.  In fact, we usually didn't even discuss these matters inside the family.  We were told what we believed in, and we believed it. 

The world, of course, has changed, and I am trotting along trying to keep up.  With social medias like Facebook and Twitter, every thought, idea, issue, problem, celebration and observance is broadcasted to the world in nanoseconds.  While it has given us a certain sense of freedom, I wonder .... was some sort of filter healthy, or is it healthier to know everything about everyone?   Should we try to hold on to some sort of autonomy, or is this  melting pot of thoughts and information good for our synergistic well-being?  It's this I ponder today as I drink my coffee and read my friends status updates that range from complaints about other friends and family, political debates, religous statements and worst of all, blanket statements about certain segments of society.

I'm not saying what we are experiencing now is good or bad.... It's just different, and today's post is really about accepting impermanence.   We are in a much more open society now - laundry is not only aired, but shared.  We let strangers into very intimate parts of our lives - heck, I'm doing it now just writing this blog....

The comfort I find is I still have control of my filter.  While it is not as rigid as how I was raised, I can still hold back information from the masses that I feel is better kept close, or information that I feel would spread negative energy or ill-will.  My purpose here is to be a powerful energy source that spreads love and light to all that surrounds me.  If I blurt out how my feelings were hurt by someone, or how idiotic I felt a decision was by someone beyond the realm of my control  - what good does it serve?  When posting my "laundry" dirty, clean or otherwise, I try to remember this quote

"What you reject is what you acquire. What you judge is what you become. What you fear is what you attract. What you give is what you get. Put out positive and you get back positive. What you know is what exists and what exists is what you have. If you put out certainty, you get back certainty. If you put out deception, you get back deception. If you provide hope, you feel hopeful. If you give help, you receive help. All is a complete whole; anything and everything that you put out will find its way back"

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ljuphoto/

However, while I feel filters are good in my life, and holding back deficient energy from social media, I am grateful that friends, family, and acquaintances are opening up their lives to receive more information.  No longer do we need to feel stifled like the "children that were better seen than heard"  we were raised as.  As a professional woman, I feel when I speak my mind, and speak it well, it falls on open and receptive ears.  Again, if I am open and receptive, others will be open and receptive of me. If I feel the need to air a little dirty laundry every once in a while, I am grateful there is a clothes line to hang it on.


Now that I have that off my chest, you will have to excuse me... I have some laundry to do...



Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now.... Paradise is airing out your laundry...

Shiny Side Up...

Today I got out on my motorcycle for a quick ride.  It's something I haven't had much of an opportunity to do this summer, but the wind against my face was just what I needed.  I didn't get to go too far today, but just the short ride was exhilarating enough to motivate me to say to myself "I need to do this more often"...

When I first started to learn how to ride a motorcycle, I took a drivers education class.  The instructor said something that has stuck with me ever since, and it's not just applicable to driving a motorcycle - but to all aspects of my life.

He said "IF you don't want to hit the tree - don't look at the tree!"  He went on to say "Focus on where you do want to go, and you and your bike will follow"... 

Once out on the open road, I got to test that theory several times - and no matter the obstacle in my way - it always proved true - if I don't want to hit the curb -don't look at it, look at where you do want your bike to go.  If you don't want to go off on the side of the road, look at the middle line.  If you want to flow around corners, focus your eyes to follow the curve of the road and look ahead through the bends and curves.

It wasn't until a little later I started applying that rule to other aspects of my life .... I don't want to go into debt - so don't look at the debt, look at what you DO have... look what you DO want. 

I don't want to be unhealthy... Don't look at your fat thighs, the chocolate and the cakes and cookies - look at your healthy lifestyle, the fresh, non-processed foods available to you, look at how you want to feel, and what you want to accomplish as a result of living healthier.

I don't want to be in bad relationships... don't look at people who bring you down, who drain your energy, who hold you back.  Look for the friends that make you happy, bring you joy, and lift you higher.

When you focus on what you do want, you and your life will follow.  If you don't want to hit the tree - don't look at the tree.

Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is keeping the Shiny Side Up....