I AM...

For anyone who has read my profile, you will notice that I have what seems to be a poem of sorts...

"I am a mountain ~ I am birds singing and trees rustling ~ I am my Destiny ~ I am her brown eyes looking at me with trust ~ I am a timid deer crossing a river ~ I am an eagle soaring ~ I am the shimmering gleams of light sparkling across the water ~ I am the warm sun on my back ~ I am the cool soil of the earth ~ I am Destinys soft, white, downey fur ~ I am the cork handle of my fly-rod, I am the swishing of my fly line ~ I am pure clean air ~ I am clean fresh water ~I am made just for me"

A few people have asked me what it means... to me, it means everything - thank you for asking. It is my manifesto, my mission statement, my personal declaration to the Universe and myself. It is as important to me as my name, received to me in what is equivalent to me as a naming ceremony... during the last day of coaching training at iPec. The day I became a life coach.

Our training leader, Stephanie led us through an exercise where she had us visualize the most sensual place on earth to us. She had is write down the following: I see, I touch, I hear, I taste, I smell, The Universe Is..... and then she turned the CD player on to a beautiful flute and instrumental music, and asked us to think of an experience in our lives where we felt extreme joy and peace. My minds eye brought me right to the banks of the Kennebago River... I had awoken at dawn, made breakfast for me and Destiny and set out to drown some newly tied flies.... the river gleamed and sparkled. The current babbled and gurgled over the rocks. Destiny waded in and let the current sway through her fur. I rolled up my pants, kicked off my sneakers and dipped my feet into the icy water. The air was light and clean, and smelled like the pines that were dancing in the breeze. I held the cork handle of my fly rod that because of use had become fitted and comfortable in my hand. I cast out my fly line ... swish, swish, swish..... I heard a splish-splashing and thought it would be Destiny, but no, it was a yearling making her way across the river, daintily tip-toeing across as if she didn't want to disturb us. Destiny amazingly watched her cross without a peep. The sun rose higher, and the sun warmed my back.... a shadow swept over the river, and looking up I saw an eagle swooping around, as pretty as a kite. This moment was paradise - it was made just for me.

Stephanie gently chimed the tingshas and we all opened our eyes.... then she asked us to write down our vision. Lastly, she asked us to cross out the words I see, I touch, I hear, I taste, I smell, The Universe Is..... and replace the words with the words "I AM" .... and I knew at that moment something magical had just happened. I was, for the first time in 34 years, introduced to my true, authentic, genuine self. I finally knew who I trully AM.

Confession - Before writing this blog entry, I had written another one. Mercifully, for you and me, I did not end up posting it, because it was whiney, full of woe-is-me and simply a pathetic showing of what I am NOT. Luckily, I wrote it, drafted it, and set it aside to read again when I was in a better frame of mind. It was not just unproductive to you, my readers, but it was damaging and un-useful to me, the writer, the one who writes as a method of clarity and therapy.

The title of the drafted blog entry was "I AM FAT!".... with a title like that, you can just imagine the hate, spew and venom it spat from the harsh words, creative self-damnation, and put-downs it contained. It was a waste of my energy to write it, and it would have been a waste of your time to read it. Trust me.

After writing the nearly 10 paragraph declaration of war on all things made with sugar, cream, white bread and dairy, and all the reasons I was weak and pitiful for playing victim to laziness, self-sabotage, and procrastination... I decided to read up on what my other friends were doing. I follow several blogs - some are about personal journeys, some are about dogs, some are a combination of personal journeys and their dogs, like this one.

I also have a secret passion - I love googling classmates and finding out if they are writing blogs. Seems a little creepy-stalker like.... but I find it incredibly interesting to see what the rest of the 70 classmates that graduated from FHS class of 1991 are doing with their lives since the day we turned our tassles and walked out of the halls and away from the people that occupied the formative years of our lives. One blog in particular, I have read for quite some time. The author of the blog did not know until recently that I follow it. She is a friend from high school. I always thought of her as trendy, interesting, witty... so when I first found her blog, I read it because of the interesting photography she takes. We were friends in High School, but not really "close friends", and we never stayed in touch after High School, but I always liked her, and as I said, found her interesting. One day, she posted "I have cancer". That was day 1. She vowed that each day after her diagnoses she would post. I would pop in occasionally to see what she was doing, and how she was feeling. Many times, cancer wasn't mentioned in her daily updates. It was about her kids, or something she was working on. Other days, her posts were signed off with a "Fuck you cancer" It wasn't a woe-is-me statement - it was a warning to cancer to take heed, this girl is out to get you. On this particular day, she was on day 76.

After reading her post, I decided I was not going to post the blog entry I had just written... and here is why - Never once, did Beth ever say "I AM CANCER." I am in NO WAY comparing being overweight to having cancer ... so excuse the disclaimer (and one day, I hope to be a talented enough writer to not feel like I have to have disclaimers.... and one day after that, I hope that my disclaimers will not have disclaimers) But my point is - Beth is NOT cancer. She has cancer. Just like my friend Em is NOT MS, her son is NOT autism, and my sweet Destiny was NOT renal failure... and guess what folks - I AM NOT FAT. I am all the things that I aforementioned in the paragraph above. I am a mountain. I am birds singing and trees rustling - I AM MY DESTINY.

Luckily, I can live my life free of doctors visits, chemo treatments and losing my hair. I do not have to fear dying. Yes, my body is overweight according to medical standards, but for now, it is not a medical issue for me, it's an emotional one. I am not fat. I am not sick. I am not dying.

I Am statements are SO powerful, because the words that fall from your lips land on the ears of the Universe, and the Universe always replies - without fail - "Your wish is granted"

I am so much more than fat. I AM not fat. I am a mountain ~ I am birds singing and trees rustling ~ I am my Destiny ~ I am pure clean air ~ I am clean fresh water ~I am made just for me" I AM made just for me. I am Cilly.


(and PS... day 78 is a beautiful day for Beth.... she IS in remission. She IS cancer free - Fuck you cancer!)