Creating Yourself...

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life's about creating yourself." ~ George Bernard Shaw


When I first saw the light pine cathedral ceilings, the pine cupboards and the light colored walls with the sunlight streaming in the large west-facing windows.... I instantly saw myself living there.  I didn't know who "myself" was... but the person who lived in a place like this was someone I wanted to be.  I imagined this woman to be meditative, soulful, earthy, nature-loving.... a calm hippy chick living in tune with herself and her surroundings.  I wanted to be her ... I wanted to live her life.  

The woman I was currently - stressed, broken, worn out, and used up by the world could never live here.  She could never be roomies with the Zen, tea-drinking, book reading, journal writing woman who would obviously deserved this place.   

My soon-to-be landlord showed me the features of the apartment, but I had long stopped listening.  I was still thinking about the Zen tea drinking woman who lived here. Suddenly, I wanted this place.  Odd, because hours before, I couldn't imagine leaving my house, my soon-to-be ex-husband and my old life behind.  Now, seeing this sanctuary with its adorable little deck,  I imagined myself sitting in the sun, drinking tea and reading books ... lots and lots of books.  I felt excited.  I stepped out to the rail and took in the view and breathed in a deep breathful of pine scented air.  A few chickens meandered by, and I could hear someone playing jazz music.  Something deep inside whispered "Cilly, you belong here... You are the Zen hippy tea-drinking meditative chic who deserves to live here"  Where do I sign?   A little later I was signing a year lease .... pen in hand I signed my way into a new chapter of my life.


That day was the first time in my life that I realized that I could create myself.  I could create the life I wanted, I could create the space I needed, the sanctuary I craved, the life I dreamed about.  This apartment served as a blank canvas to shape a new life out of the rubble that my old life had left behind.  It was the first time in my adult life that my sandcastle had been washed away by the tide, and I was in charge of rebuilding a new sand castle anyway I saw fit.  I could build a bigger, better, more amazing sandcastle, with a little deck, a library of books, chickens and jazz music.  

Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

 

Since then, I've had to rebuild a few sandcastles.  My job, my love life, my relationships, my business... but just knowing that whatever I've built, even if it gets wiped out by the tide, or kicked over by bullies, or if I decide to smash it down myself - I can recreate it.  I can build it bigger, better, and more suited to my needs at the time.  And, I am finding, at every new attempt, I am getting damn good at building sandcastles.

Recreating myself was once a scary, daunting and confusing undertaking... but the more I do it, the more I accept the impermanence of life, and understand the joy of letting go... I can actually get excited about the process of change.  It can be exhilarating to see each new outcome -and sometimes the new outcomes are better than the original plans.

I can appreciate Mr. George Bernard Shaw's quote because while I found myself in new places, new situations, new jobs, new relationships - I created myself.  I created the person I wanted to be in those places, in those relationships and in those situations.  I can not control the tide - but I can build the castle.


Paradise is Here, Paradise is Now .... Paradise is creating, and recreating yourself.